Yeah. Hey. It's me again. I stopped myself from writing but then i couldn't help thinking-great...what do i do now? And so here i am again. Typing, going through the motions, smiling and waving hi and bantering about senior banquet. Squealing, falling, getting up again, laughing all through lunch. That's me. I guess it's just the way i am. Is it possible to laugh through your pain but at the same time, while you know the pain is real the laughter is amazing-you know your laughing because something hysterical just set you off and so you're hysterical. Happily, painfully hysterical. It's amazing how many emotions the human body can juggle all at once while allowing each emotion to be felt equally. And i actually am excited about banquet-in a way. But sort of not. First it marks the end of junior high for me. It's like standing in front of a building thats slowly burning to the ground. You know it's done, gone-over. And you know you'll move on, buy a new house. But it's everything familiar and comforting. Everything you had left to hold on to for support slowly deteriorating around you. And you can't make it top. The dateless part doesn't bother me as much as, maybe, it should. I mean, first off a lot of girls are dateless. We're young. It's okay. I just...hmmm. Okay the words aren't coming. Now i'm done.

You feel so low you can't feel nothing at all.

Six Flags tomorrow! Well it might rain. Right now i'm feeling sort of like..crap. Which i want to rant about. Besides Fazp hasn't posted in a while so no one reads this damn blog anyway. It's just that you get this insane jumble of feelings you can barely control for someone who looks at you and sees nothing. I'm used to being nothing. Being seen as a nothing. I'm used to it and so damn sick of it. I don't want to be nothing. I don't want every emotion i feel to be a waste not to mention a plague on the person i'm feeling them for. I'm totally at a loss, split in between. I don't know what's happening anymore but i wish i did. Feeling ignored and unwanted and noticeably flawed and insignificant and so so used. I need to mean more to myself then all that...right? Those times every once in a lifetime that you feel so perfect you can do anything, you can be anyone-it's the exact opposite. I don't want to feel sorry for myself. So i won't. I'm a good person. I think. But is that enough to keep me going? For how long can i stay like this, totally worthlessly forgotten by everyone that i cared about. And what's really sinking in is that while you can say you're over it, you're done, you're through, you're untouchable, not vulnerable, moving on it doesnt mean it's neccesarily true. And despite popular belief-you can say all those things over and over and over. It's nice for you to hear, comforting for the people around you to hear and maybe a good support system to keep you standing strong. But even so, it's not true. And you know what else? If you believe hard enough-things don't go your way either. And the worst part is knowing that even if things good work out-they can't. If that makes any sense.

Its my birthday!! Well technically its not my birthday yet. But whatever. Who gives a crap about technicalities. And no school Monday! Six Flags Friday. So really-school is pretty much done. SO i'm in a good mood. No one spoil it. *Growls* 

She thinks she's in love. She thinks shes in Spain. She isn't in love. She's merely insane!

Okay listen to this: I'm in math....playing Stagknight. Not taking the regents is officially the best thing thats ever happened to me....all year. Emotion check: Not so good but yet somehow still amazing. I still just can't keep everything under control. When i'm home alone i can convince myself i'm fine but once i'm actually there those feelings just roar to life again. It's eating me alive and i think i like it. Problem is i shouldn't. Yes i'm being vague but hey i can only say so much on a public blog. Blogspot wasn't invented for me to rant about all my issues (even if they're more important than everyone else's. kidding. obviously) . But whatever. I saw West Side Story again last night and for once i'm totally unashamed to admit i cried my eyes out. Fuck you Chino. Ahem. Sorry. Emotions got the better of me. Which they seem to have been doing a lot lately actually. Gab-world class confuser in q and a. I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to believe i'm the type of girl a guy could love but let's face it: i'm not that type of person. I'm not one of those girls that turns heads, that gets whispered about by the guys at lunch. I never really wanted to be. But for once i'm just considering that it sucks. Fazp...still looking for a birthday present for you. Yeah i know. It's almost my birthday and i still haven't found anything for you. Sucks. Oh well. Try try again....

So who would you rather die. *amazed look* Ok... who would you rather not die MORE.

Long time no write, i guess. Oh. Fazp's song is officially on vimeo.com so look it up. It's on my ipod. "She helps her fans too" LOL. I'm happy today. Sort of. Screaming out to Picture to Burn. Speaking of Taylor Swift, i was watching her on youtube and cracking up. There's these clips of her after the breakup with Joe Jonas and she's holding up the doll of him and she's like "Oh look, it comes with a phone. So he could break up with other dolls!". I don't know why but it just made my day. Hey look I'm not the only bitter one. And on this interview, they asked Justin Timberlake why boys are jerks: he didn't even argue. He just kind of tried desperately to elaborate. Because even guys have to hit that certain age where you can't go on denying your own immaturity. "Ghost of My Girlfriends Past" was amazingly funny and at some points... sort of enlightening. "Am i too late? Is it Christmas?" "No you moron. It's Saturday". The funny is wearing off. Sort of. Not really. Gab heard that line and like catapulted herself to the floor. I thought she was crying. Amazing movie. I want to see it again tonight. Arista Wednesday. Great. More physical and mental assault...i mean... lovely entertainment, from the Paulo IS75 8th Chorus.

Yea, Fazp, Right

Yes ignore Fazp's latest blog because she's bluffing. I think she needs to bluff to herself just because...she has to...But don't let it fool you. Move on with your lives knowing what you know.

You Can't Stop The Beat (unfortunately).

Tiring week. Today was okay i suppose. No math! A day without Ms. Chan can't rightly be referred to as a bad one. We had that award ceremony thing which wasn't THAT bad. I send my undying love to the Paulo 8th Grade Chorus. Oh yes. Simply amazing. WOW is that really all i have to say? Well i'd also like to say that i AM going to senior banquet. I have a DRESS. It's so amazing. Really. Yeah so. WOW that's it i think. I don't know whether to be amused or upset.   

Hey...

What is it about that one 'hey' that turns your slowly spiralling day into a dream come true even when it shouldn't make a bit of difference at all?

Happy Fourteenth Fazp!

Ok so i feel like i dropped off the face of the Earth...I haven't been to school in a while and haven't seen or heard from anyone since then. It's almost scary what with my only contact being my extremely irritable mom and increasingly sleepy grandma. So yeah not an exciting week. Except i forgot to post that Wednesday was that girls birthday...what was her name again? I seem to have FORGOTTEN since i've been cooped up in my house for days on end. Oh. Fazp. Yes. And her party was supposed to be today. The party i was helping to plan. That party. But now i'm not sure what's going on since i haven't heard from the other girl either. Gab i think. Kidding. Kind of. Well no doubt i'm feeling better. I'm not coughing as much. And my voice is almost totally back. *Crosses fingers i didn't just jinx it* But that stupid doctor guy got all freaked and said i should stay home. So here i am sitting at the computer crossing my fingers. I know: exciting. First time in so long i can honestly say i miss school. On Wednesday Mr. Grahm said to NOT be absent the next day and i was like you got it dude and then...stupid doctor guy.....I miss everyone and i miss Mr. Murphy's corny but amusing jokes and Mr. Grahm and even *gasp* Princess himself. Yes, i went there. Apparently you CAN watch Grease, Gone With The Wind, Princess Bride and West Side Story TOO MUCH. I didn't think it was possible but eventually you get tired of whiny women in poofy dresses and poodle skirts chasing after men. On the bright side, i picked out my own tissue box today. He's purple with little flowers and his name is Craig the 3rd. Note: Please do not laugh. This is the most exciting thing that's happened in the last two days. Current Empty Tissue Box Count: 7
Yes i emptied 7 boxes of tissues in two days. World record book here i come.
On that note i bid you farewell.

HAPPY FOURTEENTH FAZP

P.S.
I'm at a loss as to what to get Fazp for her birthday. I was finally out in society today (yes i left the house and went to Targets with my mom. what a rebel) and no matter how hard i looked i came up empty. There's music options. I saw a gigantic squirrel stuffed animal she'd probably have greatly enjoyed. Ahem. But she never brings up what she wants materialistically speaking so...Help me out here Fazp unless you want to end up with an 100 box set of crayons or a bratz doll.