Friday is Gab's party! Woot! I'm actually really excited. I want to see everyone. I miss 75 so so bad. I can't believe it's all over. It just seems so surreal, like it's not really happening. But it is. So i have to take a deep breath and go for it. I love all of you, except Christian lol, and I'm going to miss you all so so much. Lunch was amazing and so much fun. I tried to make every second go slowly towards the end but things have to move on. I have to steel myself to move on with it when September comes. I have to let go. I'm not sure what else there is to say that's uncomplicated enough for me to pen down here. The rest is too confusing. I don't think i can manage to type it up. Lol. I'll get back to you on that.

If There's a Prize for Rotten Judgement, I Guess I've Already Won That

Wow. It's been a while since I've posted. School ended about a day or so ago. That's the first time I've ever cried in public, at least since i was really little. No reason not to mention it on my blog since Fazp's the only one who reads occasionally. But I'm so upset about this. I thought that i was upset then but that graduating would be a big step for me and it might be nice. I didn't even cry much at graduation except for a minute. But graduation was like any other graduation. It was so fake. It had nothing to do with school. I mean let's face it... it sucked to get up every morning. Lessons were painstakingly dull. And they made it sound like it was amazing. But it was amazing in a different way which i didn't realize until now. I guess that it really hit me on Friday that this was it. Hopefully, by summers end I'll be over it. I also realized that Disney movies are really amazing. I watched like three in a row yesterday and it just made everything better for those like... wow was that really... what... six hours? Oh my god. Pathetic. Recently I'm really confused. One second I'll regret everything and then the next I'll be so proud of myself. I'm kind of stuck in between thinking i did the right thing and thinking i could have done so much better. If you're never going to see someone again you might as well go for it right? I'm not even sure what I'm talking about anymore. With me, this could probably apply to anything. I don't know anymore. I wish it was the beginning of June, maybe banquet. There are definitely things i could've... no should've done and didn't. I wish i wasn't so afraid. I want to be brave but some things get me sometimes and it sucks.

I hope St. Joseph falls INTO the sea.

Guess who's back? Well i have about an hour and ten minutes left of math and i cant play slime soccer for THAT long. So since i haven't blogged in so long i thought i'd grace you all with the pleasure of one of my rants. Okay maybe not a pleasure for you but definitely for me. I'm getting really upset reading over my signature book...thing. It's just upsetting. I mean yeah i want it filled up but it's sort of like im running around trying to get my proper goodbyes. I want proof that...hey i knew you. You were there. We were together. This really happened. So that when i'm in sea, i have something to fall back on...to get me through the next four years. But reading them is so sad. Especially the teachers. Oh my god Mr. Grahm. I had no idea teachers had such high expectations for me considering how much i goof off. But so i'm just in one of those moods where i'm realizing what's slipping away. It really is all leaving. So i guess...goodbye. Goodbye 75. Goodbye lunch with the guys. Goodbye dull Monday mornings in Social Studies. Gooddbye odd school activities and assemblies. Goodbye monitoring for Ms. Goldman. Goodbye hanging out in the library during class. Goodbye european handball in gym. Goodbye. It's going to be okay because you can't hold on to anything forever. Eventually everything slips away. I guess eventually is finally here.

I haven't posted in forever!! School might as well be over. I'm running around madly getting people to sign my book. Because if they don't i might forget them....Maybe i'm over reacting but i really really don't want to leave. I want to repeat Six Flags. Not banquet. I decided I didn't like banquet. Parts of it. But i mean next week.....we're graduating. This cannot be good. Can i handle this?

Okay banquet....absolutely amazing but somewhat suckish at the end. Sal-dear dear Sal... you saved my life! Your gorgeousness was a good distraction. But besides the fact that i was indeed quite dateless and all...it was fun. Btw Gab---you were a greeeat date. Honestly. Except when you twirled me into Estee's face. Note-it is SO not pathetic to dance with a bunch of other girls when a slow song comes on. Okay yeah it really is. I cried at the end for all different reasons none involving graduation at all. Lol. But... apparently my dress flew up? Thanks for informing me  immediately Fazp  

10 things....

Okay so this is my third post today! I'm sorry. Okay no i'm not. I mean what else am i expected to do. But this is going to be a belated birthday present to myself. I'm going to look on the bright side-all the good things that have happened since my LAST birthday.

1. I got over my fear of rollercoaster: Three-Nitro, El Toro and Batman...I'm not going to stoop low enough to count the Runaway Mine Train.
2. I'm sort of more comfortable with myself. I don't think i'm pretty or anything like that. But it does't really matter to me as much. I feel much less of a need to live up to other peoples standards. Who am i? Me: Childish, Stubborn, Annoying, Talkative, Loud, Naive, Impulsive, Passionate....so so many more. I don't think of it as a bad thing. Or a good thing. Just...me?
3. I wrote a hell of a lot. And every word that leaves my pen eases the tension...
4. I got a birthday card from dad. And i didn't reply. I don't need to. That part of my life-the insecure little girl that wants to go running back to daddy-is gone. I have the willpower to be independent if not for anyone else then for my own good.
5. I learned that when all else fails, all you need is some Aerosmith.
6. I learned that I pity the girls who feel the need to be human clones. To be unique is a distinctly good quality.
7. I cried a little here and there. But i'm strong enough to take whatevers waiting around the next corner.
8. I have a job application. I'm a working girl. I have my own income.
9. I know that when there's no one else to depend on, you have yourself to lean on. Only depend on others so much because if they let you down, it'll take a lot of energy to get back up again. I need to be strong for myself.
10. When i love someone, i can give myself to them, totally. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing but i think it's important either way.

I'm in math again. I know-i'm in here way too often for comfort. I feel innocent today and i dont think i like it. Not innocent really....Vulnerable. Vulnerable and innocent and...naive. Majorly, so says Fazp. I want to deny it like i usually do but today its painstakingly clear that maybe...okay hell yeah i'm just too..trusting sometimes, when really...who is there to trust anymore? Am i going to spend every single damn day waiting to be poked...? Is it REALLY worth it?

El Toro!

Six Flags was amazing. Okay so i'm over my fear of rollercoasters. El Toro was absolutely breathtakingly amazing. On Nitro i kind of had time to enjoy the view on the way up which was...really nervewracking but El Toro just kind of didn't even give you time to think. It was maybe eight or mine rollercoaster minutes the whole day that just kind of...didn't LET me think. It was probably one of the best feelings in the world so i can't BELIEVE i've been missing out so much. I also did the cha cha slide...with tweety and sylvester..yeah. It seemed like a practical thing to do...at the time...somehow. But so it was really nice. Banquet is this Thursday. I'm more excited then i should be considering i've been to enough IS75 school functions and dances to know that they're REALLY not worth getting excited over but...whatever. I have this insanely gorgeous dress...it's really fun...it's really me and i'm reaallly excited to wear it...For one day i want to feel perfect. Because i know what it's like to feel perfect for just one second and then have it all slip away. For one night i want to be a princess with no problems who sweeps around in her gorgeous dress and feels like shes on top of the world. So thats what im going to do. I'm sitting in math right now actually and i feel fine. I dont THINK i accidentally swallowed any poison....Well i'm gunna go...do something. I should probably study. But i dont want to. Five test periods in a row is extremely tiring on a girl.