Top 10 Things I Love To Do

Top 10 Favorite Things To Do: (In no particular order)
-Read (fantasy on most occasions. A given-because everyone needs some way to escape from the world they're living in, and what better way? )
-Write (songs, stories, ideas, poems...It's nice because I like to feel accomplished and sometimes, on those lovely rare occasions, I read something I've written over and feel like maybe it does have its own eccentric air of potential. And I also love the feeling of finishing a book and knowing you brought characters into the world to be living, breathing people . I've only gotten that feeling once but I'm aiming for it again, hopefully some time soon.)
-Sing (in classified locations such as the shower, hallway between the stairs and the walkway between the mall and the outside lobby)
-Visit the city, especially Central Park, Broadway and Times Square. (If I'm not living there by the time I'm four years out of college I'm going to consider my life at the point at which it will begin to fall downhill)
-Think in thunder storms (There's something amazing about those muggy summer days when it rains and thunders and you can just sit out on the patio and read and then when you can't concentrate you put it down and think and by the time you're done you're soaked through but you feel accomplished if not more confused than when you first went outside)
-Swim (It makes me feel like I'm exericising and thus losing weight and, also, I've always had something of a connection to swimming in general. I'm terrified of rollercoasters but love water-coasters of all sorts. I spend all of my time at the beach in the ocean catching waves and when I get older I want to learn to surf and to scuba dive just because it seems like so much fun)
-Going to amusement parks (Because, terrrified as I am of most kiddy rides, it really is nice to go somewhere with a lot of people and just fit in with a group for once. On this one ride, you're all scared, and at the end of the day you're all just tired and happy and maybe for a second everyone's the same...Plus, it's probably the best place to just feel like a little kid which is a talent that I feel I'm losing my knack for lately...)
-Nostalgia and entertaining my nostalgic notions (Because as much as I say I hate to... I don't? I mean, I've decided that currently...I'm happy enough where I am. I don't want to go back. But there were some things I'd like to grab from then and bring back to here and reading them makes me feel more confident...like I can.)
-Play the guitar (Because when I'm alone and I'm playing I can make it sound nice in my head and it makes me proud, which usually isn't a hard thing to do anyway but still, and it's just...nice. I don't hold it right because I like it on my lap and it's more fun than the piano because it has such a pretty hollow sound that it just...fits things back together)
-Lie (Because...well because of a lot of reasons. Sometimes it's uneccesary but just plain amusing. And other times it makes the things I do seem less...self-profitable. But usually it just gets me out of tight spots that I really don't want to be caught in)
And...that's all because I'm going in the pool now but I'll be back later because I'm in a listing mood and if I still am later, I'll post Top 10 Things I DONT like to do :)

...Late Nights Killing Myself Over Unsolvable Problems...

Alright, so Fazp signed off early tonight, leaving me to do a lot of thinking. When she left, I was looking through saved emails. Normally, I would have looked them all over before but, having searched my AIM account numerous times before, I had been formally under the impression that all my old emails were gone. I found them in the 'sent' column today, very obviously and glaringly present. Perhaps it was fate that I went through this past year not knowing of their existence because I'm almost positive if I had been left to my own devices knowing of it, I would have wasted away in front of the screen, reading and re-reading words that no longer had any meaning to anyone but me. I did that tonight, but with some of the less savory areas of this last year behind me, I feel that I can wake up tomorrow morning and make it through the day, leaving the emails untouched. Or at least I should dearly like to think so. Still...I'm not stupid. I know I don't just read these old emails to make myself cry (not that there were not a number of tears shed in the past few hours). I like to think about things, and I like to berate myself. I'm a Queen of those "what ifs, and imagine if i hads and, if i had onlies" and in that retrospect, I've grown no better as of yet. I found a lot of emails concerning days I remembered almost passionately and others...I barely remember happening. A lot of those in particular freaked me out so that I'm wondering if I'm going senile...And the ones I did remember were...extremely embarassing. I was such a dramatic, depressive person. I was always trying to get attention from him and trying to see me as a beautiful tragic heroine of some sort when really I was the exact sort of insecure bitch I hate on sight today...Or maybe I haven't changed, just slightly in the way I speak and dress and talk...Maybe on the inside I'll never be able to change that. And maybe that's why people, or a person, in particular that I really care about don't talk to me anymore? I need that person though to sort out a lot of my problems (and there i go again, saying what i need for my life from other people) But we helped eachother. It was a good relationship and he helped me with the fragile shards of my romantic life and I teased him and considered him someone to learn by and such a close friend and...I try not to think about him but wonder if i had him AND fazp if last year wouldve been better than it was. Fazp helped...a lot. I wont lie. I never would have imagined it years ago but...she did. And I'm lucky to have her. But what I had with her and with him were different things and I always feel like I'm asking other people to piece my life back together but sometimes (or a lot of the time, really) I wish he'd just GET OVER IT ALREADY. I miss him so much and I feel so helpless to fix it because if there's one thing I have no control over it's money and paying off debts. And I know it's selfish and irresponsible but I wish he would IM me and tell me he loves me and he misses me and he's ready to talk to me about all my problems and all the pain of last year and all my insecurities and all the people i love but can't face up to (ranks that he would no longer be a part of) But he won't and knowing it makes me miss him more. Knowing him for such a short amount of time it's odd that I miss him more than her (another friend who I spent many more years with) and we were close but maybe she never really saw through me the way he did and...I can't believe he'd abandon me like this because I know I can be a liar and a cheater sometimes without even meaning to be, but I try to be good. We tried together and then he left me. I miss her too though, not for the conversations I want from him but in a more general way, the way you would miss a limb when it'd been taken from you. All these people that were so much a part of my life are gone and it's funny how much I'm attached to them and what they did to make my life more liveable. I have Fazp and my family and some other friends, though a lot of my other friends merely exist for stupid excurions and certainly not for talk but...I'm ranting in a blog that no one is ever going to read. But this always happens when I read into things..old things, things that happened years ago. It makes me feel like it happened yesterday and like there's still time to change it but there isn't and I wish there was...I really, really do...Maybe it's the weirdness, if anyone knows what I mean, because it's tearing me apart and turning me inside out because it's not really all that weird. It's me losing patience with myself being quiet about the things that are screaming to come out in my head and ripping me up inside so that I don't know if I can take it any longer. I miss a lot of people I shouldn't miss, people that mean a lot to me when I should be over them and they should mean nothing. I don't adapt well to change, not at all, and I'm scared about next year and what's going to happen to me and if any of the problems that eat away at me everyday are ever going to be solved. And this is all killing me and even as I write this there's things that I can't bring myself to write. Even if this blog was my own private diary I could never put these things down in writing but they boomerang around inside of my head and I can never get rid of them. It worries me and I worry about myself and I worry about keeping the friends I have and the family I have and the sanity I've recently acquired in light of summer vacation. I miss things I can never have back and not all of them are human or material and some of these wants I can only barely understand. I've been talking for almost a half hour and I feel sick and tired with myself and teary-eyed, like all of this is going nowhere. Everything is going everywhere and nowhere and I just want to go back to where I was and stand right there and I want the world and all the people in it to stand there with me. Change is bad. I hate it.

Wow...Well, I haven't posted in a very long time. My posts have been getting further and further apart...And I'm not sure whether or not that's a good thing because this blog used to be so much a part of my life...Getting out of Sea was a relief. Report card was good, uniform is gone, and so are all my religious convictions-out the window. And I don't think I've, thus far, spoken to anyone who approves of that, and the fact that that bothers me not at all has to be proof that my maturity is moving along nicely...or at least I'd like to think so and as there's no one reading this blog there certainly isn't going to be anyone challenging that theory. I'm fairly excited for this summer....it's hard to imagine that last year was real because it all just feels like a nightmare. I suppose I took it hard because I was never one to fit in with the crowd, but I was never literally hated by that many people in my life. It definitely did a number to my self esteem. But I think I still have a pretty nice margine of confidence for myself, and self-respect that I even made it out alive. Of course, there's people at war faced with death and destruction...but this is the environment I was raised in and for me, last year was one of the more prominent forms of hell. It was like...a loss of sanity, going through hours and hours a day so totally alone...It's taught me to be relatively frightened of my own mind and what goes on inside of it-it was the only thing I had for company. I learned to think of myself as a friend because at times that will be all I have.... I've found I berate myself a lot and I'm pretty self-destructive...but I have a lot of belief in my own capabilities. And the only thing that kept me sane was holding my head so high that if it was any higher I'd have tripped down the stairs, and writing. Thank Whatever Power There Might or Might Not Be for writing....Also, as a response to Fazp's Top 5 Fears, 1 being the most frightening possible:
Aimez: Top 5 Fears:
5) The possibility of an afterlife and what it might be
4) Being unable to have a baby/miscarrying (very obviously aiming for a girl)
3) Losing my freedom.
2) Making a fool out of myself in front of people I respect.
1) Losing control of anything usually understood to be within my power.