...Late Nights Killing Myself Over Unsolvable Problems...

Alright, so Fazp signed off early tonight, leaving me to do a lot of thinking. When she left, I was looking through saved emails. Normally, I would have looked them all over before but, having searched my AIM account numerous times before, I had been formally under the impression that all my old emails were gone. I found them in the 'sent' column today, very obviously and glaringly present. Perhaps it was fate that I went through this past year not knowing of their existence because I'm almost positive if I had been left to my own devices knowing of it, I would have wasted away in front of the screen, reading and re-reading words that no longer had any meaning to anyone but me. I did that tonight, but with some of the less savory areas of this last year behind me, I feel that I can wake up tomorrow morning and make it through the day, leaving the emails untouched. Or at least I should dearly like to think so. Still...I'm not stupid. I know I don't just read these old emails to make myself cry (not that there were not a number of tears shed in the past few hours). I like to think about things, and I like to berate myself. I'm a Queen of those "what ifs, and imagine if i hads and, if i had onlies" and in that retrospect, I've grown no better as of yet. I found a lot of emails concerning days I remembered almost passionately and others...I barely remember happening. A lot of those in particular freaked me out so that I'm wondering if I'm going senile...And the ones I did remember were...extremely embarassing. I was such a dramatic, depressive person. I was always trying to get attention from him and trying to see me as a beautiful tragic heroine of some sort when really I was the exact sort of insecure bitch I hate on sight today...Or maybe I haven't changed, just slightly in the way I speak and dress and talk...Maybe on the inside I'll never be able to change that. And maybe that's why people, or a person, in particular that I really care about don't talk to me anymore? I need that person though to sort out a lot of my problems (and there i go again, saying what i need for my life from other people) But we helped eachother. It was a good relationship and he helped me with the fragile shards of my romantic life and I teased him and considered him someone to learn by and such a close friend and...I try not to think about him but wonder if i had him AND fazp if last year wouldve been better than it was. Fazp helped...a lot. I wont lie. I never would have imagined it years ago but...she did. And I'm lucky to have her. But what I had with her and with him were different things and I always feel like I'm asking other people to piece my life back together but sometimes (or a lot of the time, really) I wish he'd just GET OVER IT ALREADY. I miss him so much and I feel so helpless to fix it because if there's one thing I have no control over it's money and paying off debts. And I know it's selfish and irresponsible but I wish he would IM me and tell me he loves me and he misses me and he's ready to talk to me about all my problems and all the pain of last year and all my insecurities and all the people i love but can't face up to (ranks that he would no longer be a part of) But he won't and knowing it makes me miss him more. Knowing him for such a short amount of time it's odd that I miss him more than her (another friend who I spent many more years with) and we were close but maybe she never really saw through me the way he did and...I can't believe he'd abandon me like this because I know I can be a liar and a cheater sometimes without even meaning to be, but I try to be good. We tried together and then he left me. I miss her too though, not for the conversations I want from him but in a more general way, the way you would miss a limb when it'd been taken from you. All these people that were so much a part of my life are gone and it's funny how much I'm attached to them and what they did to make my life more liveable. I have Fazp and my family and some other friends, though a lot of my other friends merely exist for stupid excurions and certainly not for talk but...I'm ranting in a blog that no one is ever going to read. But this always happens when I read into things..old things, things that happened years ago. It makes me feel like it happened yesterday and like there's still time to change it but there isn't and I wish there was...I really, really do...Maybe it's the weirdness, if anyone knows what I mean, because it's tearing me apart and turning me inside out because it's not really all that weird. It's me losing patience with myself being quiet about the things that are screaming to come out in my head and ripping me up inside so that I don't know if I can take it any longer. I miss a lot of people I shouldn't miss, people that mean a lot to me when I should be over them and they should mean nothing. I don't adapt well to change, not at all, and I'm scared about next year and what's going to happen to me and if any of the problems that eat away at me everyday are ever going to be solved. And this is all killing me and even as I write this there's things that I can't bring myself to write. Even if this blog was my own private diary I could never put these things down in writing but they boomerang around inside of my head and I can never get rid of them. It worries me and I worry about myself and I worry about keeping the friends I have and the family I have and the sanity I've recently acquired in light of summer vacation. I miss things I can never have back and not all of them are human or material and some of these wants I can only barely understand. I've been talking for almost a half hour and I feel sick and tired with myself and teary-eyed, like all of this is going nowhere. Everything is going everywhere and nowhere and I just want to go back to where I was and stand right there and I want the world and all the people in it to stand there with me. Change is bad. I hate it.