This is when i say i had enough, no one should ever feel the way i feel now.....!

Ok so i don't know what to say. It was a really good day. I don't know why. Ok maybe i have a smidgen of a pinprick of an idea why, maybe. But i would sound so pathetic. And so moving on then. Fazp we're not having a band because i can't play. It's not that it doesn't sound fun and all but truthfully i'm lucky i know what a piano is let alone play it. I swear you won't be impressed. And so there's no way that, in front of talented musicians and vocalists such as yourself, vrai and jay, that i can make a fool of myself. But, like i said before, i will so totally come to every practice and maybe...be a manager. We'll figure it out. You could get Cate for keyboard if you really need (even though plenty of good bands don't have keyboard not to mention plenty of bad ones do) but if she actually agreed, which is by the way doubtful, i wouldn't be able to go near you. I swear her mom probably put out a restraining order by now. I don't want to get arrested. But anyways, vacation is coming up and...i'm really excited because...you're damn straight bunnies, chocolate eggs, and baskets full of candy and toys beats school and Mrs. Chan. I love easter...Yea call me a two year old but painting eggs is like....i mean i don't know. Is it possible to grow out of that? I mean you don't grow out of putting up Christmas trees, right? So isn't this the same concept...kind of? Well i'm in a good mood so don't go and ruin it for me by saying that you do. Grow out of it, that is.

Funny What They Say About Finding One Friend, Losing Another

Ok so the game was fun. We won but i think the teachers let us. They're saying it was a "Landslide Victory" quote, unquote but thats impossible. When there were like 7 seconds left of the game our team was taking penalty shots (for some unknown and probably fake reason) and then the kid missed twice. And somehow they let him keep trying. Penalty SHOT not penalty SHOTS. And then, would you look at that?, we made it in after like the umpteenth try. Well no shit. So, personally, i think it was all rigged, which i must say was nice enough of the teachers but, being overly-competitive myself, i would have rather tied then won because the teachers kept on making up penalty shots for us. I was so upset though because i was going to be in the game and all but i was out...I'm always absent as the gym teacher so politely pointed out to me, so i didn't have a chance to sign up for tryouts. But basketball is one sport i'm confident i can play well. But that's alright because watching was just as exciting as playing (almost, ok not really but it was still pretty cool). I think i screamed THE GM and NAT-ROD till my lungs gave out. I was going pretty crazy actually and it was nice. I think it was all that snapple that got to me. Whenever i have snapple at a crowded place i kind of "let loose". I think our FAZP here was just suffering from After-Christina high. It wore off halfway through though. But besides the game nothing interestings happened. Nothing in a long time really...Except i haven't been on for so long that i never said that Jay is talking to me again. It's so nice to be able to talk to him and not have to worry and know hes there. But i wonder sometimes if he still thinks of me the same way he did before. If not i guess its understandable. But i wont think about that. Right now its just so good to have him back i dont even care if he secretly wants to drop a safe on my head ( like who doesnt anyway?) even though, here's hoping, he doesn't seem like he does.

You better shape up! Cause i need a man. And my heart is set on you...

It's been forever since the last time i posted as Fazp pointed out to me today. That kind of freaks me out. But i guess i just lost track of time... Well I'm kind of suffering Grease fever right now... I mean i must have listened to You're The One That I Want like a billion times today. It's pathetic. I mean what's the point? I know all the lyrics since i've been watching it since i was like in the womb... But i was watching it (once again) today since I'm home sick for reasons i cannot disclose but anyway, i was watching it and it just struck me as how realistic Danny's personality is. I mean he's such a sweetheart during the summer and all and then as soon as he's with his friends he's so disgustingly in-mature and vain that he has to show off and not even bother himself with the fact that he just broke her heart. And then he goes and calls her and apologizes and everything is just peachy keen. Why does it feel sometimes like we're all girls in a guy's world?   

....So Much Is Wrong With America...

Ok wow. So... where to start? Alright i tried to email Jay and i realized that what's done is done...He wants his money back and i don't have any money to give to him since we're going through extremely bad financial issues right now and I'm sorry if it's more important that we pay the bills on our one income. Note: This is the last time i'll be using names on my blog. Every time i type someone's name i get this dinging noise in my head like DONT DO THAT and i don't know why but that whole subject is officially done with. I poured my heart out to him and now I'm embarrassed i bothered to.  Let's move on, shall we? Ok i need a topic that's school friendly for a persuasive essay. And so i was looking and i found a lot. Vrai is thinking about doing abortion and she found this website. We're both a bit afraid to click the link.  The Silent Scream. I'm going to make this into a challenge. Is anyone brave enough to click this for Vrai? It came with this warning. "WARNING: The Silent Scream website graphically shows an abortion 11 weeks after conception and should not be viewed by children." But besides that, so many topics came up and i really found myself questioning today's society. Like hunting for sport. What, may i ask, is so sporting and enjoyable about walking around with a gun and shooting living, breathing animals for no apparent reason. It's disgusting behavior, especially for a "mature" adult. It's selfish to actually shoot and kill an animal with a life and a family for your own amusement. I mean come on. Go buy a video game and shoot some aliens but leave our animals alone. And I'm disgusted with our country for actually HANDING OUT HUNTING LICENSEES AND ALLOWING THIS TO BE LEGAL. Another thing is how today seems to be fortifying and containing American's right to their individuality. Especially children. In school, we're not even allowed to discuss the presidential election with our social studies teachers. What the hell good are social studies teachers then? Giving out your own political opinion always makes political lessons seem more interesting; less like lessons and more like arguments or discussions where the teacher and the student are seen as equals. Is that why the Department of Education and the principals of our schools have such a big thing against even letting the teachers mention who they voted for in passing? Adolescents are sadly underestimated and it's because of undereducated, uncaring teens that give the few of us who are hardworking, independent American teens bad reputations. And instead of bothering to separate those first and second categories, junior high-schools treat us like toddlers. I have never heard a more demeaning set of words then "Silent Lunch". Who does he think he is walking around and telling us we have to be quiet? Well you know what? Bite me. Being silent during my lunch period while you rant into your little microphone is not going to increase my intelligence nor will it help me to grow more mature. In school, we should be taught to stand up for our beliefs, not sit down and be quiet and let people, no matter who they are, walk all over you. I'm thoroughly disappointed in New York as of now.  

Wouldn't It Be Nice If Reality Had a Reset Button?

I feel like i'm losing myself and i don't know what to do. Over this one year, i've lost so much. My two closest friends, my future dreams, and my control. I don't know what's going to happen now. I can't see the future anymore. I don't know what's going to happen to me; what i'm going to do, who i'm going to be, what i'm going to make of myself. I don't want to go to highschool. I want to rewind a few months. I want to apologize to cate's angry, scary mom and give jays zune back to him and handle problems differently then i did. I wish i could go back and change the things i did but i don't know how. I wish i didn't have to stand up for myself. I wish for once, just once, i would give in because in the long run, it doesn't make a difference. I wish i could change everything. All the what if's are going through my mind and it hurts. The last blog i made today, i was feeling this but i didn't know if this was too private to post here but i need to vent it and that's what i made this blog for in the first place. It's because of my selfish pride that i'm sitting here today going through the what if's? So what IF i did think cate's mom gave me a creepy look. Did i have to say it? Because it would have made all the difference. And what IF i'm irresponsible. Did i have to be so careless and lose it? Because, again it would have made a world of difference. Everything i do has reprocussions and none of them are good. I don't know how to deal with myself. I never make the right decisions. Ever. Am i just a horrible person? Because...even the two people i mentioned think im a liar. And they were so important to me. They knew me so well. So is it even remotely possible they're both wrong? I don't know what to think. I really wish i could just go back in time. In video games there's always a reset button. Wouldn't it be nice if reality had a reset button?

Innocence Is Gone

Alright well something's really been bugging me lately and it's that kids today are growing up too quickly. I feel like we don't have time to enjoy our childhood. We're maturing too fast. Only we're not really maturing, it's a mangled teenage version of maturity; having sex and getting pregnant when you're 14 isn't mature or responsible. It's just a sign that you're trying to grow up before you're ready to. But i don't want to grow up. I like my age and i like knowing that i'm irresponsible and inmature and...i'm not old enough to lose that yet. None of us ever really lose that inmaturity but as we age, that childishness and carelessness gets buried under the weight of all those years. And we're so young! Why lose what we have now when we can't have it later? But it's not all our faults. Perhaps it's just the way it is today. It's hard to be innocent when words like "fuck" and the subject of "boffing" is thrown around in everyday conversation so lightly. It's not that i don't say them myself or that i disapprove, it's just the truth. I mean, for example, in the 60's, if a boy touched a girl in the "upper" or "lower" or "back" sections she would probably slap him, not that a boy would even do that. But today the girl would say absolutely nothing because it would be nothing out of the ordinary to her. But we're so young. We're not ready for that yet and we'd be stupid to fool ourselves into thinking we are. Dating, commitment , kissing, "hooking up". Fine. But not anything more. And i hate that so many people think it's "cool" to have sex and do drugs and everything because it's not cool. It's retarded and i'm sorry to say so, but if you're one of those people, YOU'RE retarded. Not to be rude. Even though, oh shucks, that was pretty rude. Our innocence is gone. And you know what, it shouldn't be. And i dont know about you, but i'm planning on doing everything i can to stay that way for as long as possible. Because i'm a kid. And that doesn't bother me. And i don't want to rush it. I also think that it's time i took control of my life and stop letting my heart lead me. My heart led me once and where did i end up? Nowhere good. It's time i ignored my heart. Instead of following my heart, it's time i learn to lead it.

Be Careful What You Wish For

Alright so guys officially suck. All of them. Most of them. No. I'm not blaming guys anymore. People suck, not JUST guys. They're so obnoxious and spiteful and hurtful. They just crash right through you like you're not even there and rip your life apart. And each person in your life rips at that tiny little hole in the fabric, each person adding a little more to it until it just bursts. And i think i just did so anyone in the immediate area, i advise you to dial 911 because i am officially off my rocker. I can't take it anymore i just can't. I wanted crazy emotions right? I felt empty. Well what the heck. Be careful what you wish for.

Need to Vent...

Ok hey. I'm in Social Studies but so far we haven't really done anything much. I think we're on the laptops for a reason but i don't really care. I'm kind of lonely since Fazp and Vrai are both out monitoring for Sir Pain In The Ass (Reinhold even though lately he hasn't been as bad. i think he's learning that when a kid says something private it applies just as much as it would if an adult said it and that he has no right to butt in) but besides that i'm just glad it's a Thursday. I can't complain because the week went pretty quick. On the other hand, i can complain because i might have to go to a catholic school. Actually i think i definitely have to. And it's not that i have anything against my religion and all...but i don't do uniforms. Only, apparently, now i do. I mean the school is gorgeous and all. I got a chorus invite but i just can't sing in public. But then, would it be stupid of me to turn down doing something i love for the sake of my own embarassment? Well i think im going to get caught and the last thing i want is for this to be read out loud to the whole class so...i'll post later. I really need to vent and this just wasn't enough venting time.

Empty...?

Ok wow...i keep on neglecting my blog. It's not that i forget it's just that every time i think of it lately, the thought that comes up is...yea so what'r you going to write? And it's so true. Nothing has happened. Nothing. It's practically embarassing but it's true. Yeah we had a snow day. Yeah i had a fun weekend. But nothing really important or, rather, heart warming has happened and i haven't felt anything deep (happy or sad) in so long im beginning to wonder if it's possible to go numb (in the emotional way that is) because if it is, i think that clears everything up just fine. I looked it up online and it's not a condition; it's a state of mind. According to wikipedia and several other reliable sources, i'm trying to save me from myself which is basically my translation of all the scientific crap. Another words, i'm trying to hide everything i'm feeling to save myself from any future pain that could be anything like what it was. But then why do i want the feeling back if i'm keeping it from myself? And how am i doing this to myself without even knowing. I feel so lost. Like i'm empty and im falling through a hole like alice in wonderland and i dont remember where it started but i wish i knew where or if it was going to end.