I hate that stupid old pickup truck you never let me drive...

What do i want? I'm not sure anymore. It's like all this time i've been desperately chasing after something but i don't know what. Or maybe i do know what but i don't want to. And it scares me. Scares me that something so strong can last for so damn long. Something you like but you just know you're not supposed to. You want it to go away but at the same time you couldn't bare it if it actually did. Confusing. Gab's gorgeous heart throb wasn't at lunch today. Hope he's not sick. Six Flags is in less then a month. I'm excited. I'm going on a roller-coaster. But at the same time i don't really want it to come. I'm terrified. The last days of my young life are slipping through my fingers like sand and it's really hitting me that i can never get them back. Sure, years from now i'll remember it... But i'll be older and maybe even.... mature. Is it POSSIBLE for me to be MATURE? And i'll never see anyone again. Everyone is splitting up. I really really really don't want lose this. I'm childish. Childish and going to high school. Will i ever laugh again? Ok totally over-reacting. Of course i will. BUT IT WILL BE EMPTY AND SHALLOW AND PAINFUL TO HEAR. Ok still over-reacting. Oh god this can't be happening. I was never one of those girls...I hate them... when they go on spring break and come back all teary eyed and start hugging their friends like it's been years. But now it's forever. Forever. By the end of June, i'll never get lost on the way to the bathroom or sarcastically imitate Herman then duck down when he walks by or laugh at Princess and spin around on his plush chair with tape ball when I'm supposed to be in Ms. Chan's 37 minutes. I'll never have my hair braided in gym or dance to my ipod on the bus ride home or sit at the guys lunch table and pretend not to understand their disgusting and unnecessary, but actually somewhat amusing, jokes. Nothing will ever be the same. 

Sometimes you think you know everything. You think you're on top. But theres always something around the corner to knock you down.

Piece me back together when I'm falling apart...

Ok i haven't blogged. So sue me. Oh and i just read something in a magazine that made me half laugh half cry: When a guy is considering a girl for a date and like... the aspects of her appearance and all, he considers her using the right side of the brain. When a girl is considering a guy for a date, she considers him using the right side of the brain. Amusingly (but somehow almost predictably) enough, the right side of the brain controls logic while the left side is the part of your brain that triggers the imagination. Which is why almost 70% of successful marriages began with the man choosing the woman and not the opposite way around. Hysterical right? Ha. No. But it's weird how unsurprised i am. I mean it.. it makes so much sense.... Today went well enough. We had gym so only one period math and no language. Wednesdays are my favorite schedule. Not that it's FUN or anything but better then listening to some old italian man babble about the proper way to prepare yourself to go mushroom picking even though he's supposed to be teaching you ITALIAN (don't ask, just don't ask). Ok emotions are high today admittedly. Ok practically swelling. Which is OK. Because if i learned one important thing recently, it's that emotions can be suppressed. And when you learn to suppress them, they eventually just give up and go away. Like the little kids on my block when they keep on asking to play Strawberry Shortcake. Ok random. Ignore that. And GAB, fine don't believe me but i definitely thought about some things today and, while "the kid" who sits with us at "lunch" is still painstakingly gorgeous, i don't really think of him as much more then a friend. There's definitely no real feelings for him there. It's just looking at a pretty picture for the sake of looking at a pretty picture. But there's nothing else. Not that it matters even if i did because he has a girlfriend and from the way the guys acted at lunch when he told them he goes through them pretty fast. Hah. Not surprising in the least. Besides i have better things to think about then guys in general. Sort of. Well maybe not REALLY but thats only cause there isn't much else to think about, really. Like i said, good day so far. On the subject of guys, i've learned to accept that no matter how annoying they are i really can't live without them, but it never ceases to amaze me how truly OBNOXIOUS they really can be. And i've noticed that almost ALWAYS, their lame and corny jokes revolve around gender identity loss and sexual content even i do not feel the need to go into. That's how bad it is. But I'm alright with that. Oh, new girl in the class. She seems nice enough. The guys definitely seem to have taking a liking to her. I wonder why....hmmmmm... pssht.     

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Ok so the weekends been really boring. Really. Pretty upsetting too. My mom's in a mood, pissed at me but i'm not sure why. Which, while not exactly devastating, is kind of starting to get a little unsettling, what with her total insistence on not even aknowledging my existence and all. And i'm pissed at her too. She can wait for a fake apology as long as she wants but i have enough to worry about. Conflicted emotions. Not in the mood for her drama. I mean i know she has problems but i have them too. I hate that people call you selfish and then complain about stupid little things like getting up early and working overtime. Thats life. Thats neccesary unless you want to be homeless and starve to death. But that's not pain or extreme emotional conflict or anything that you can't DEAL with. So just DEAL with it and leave me alone. The last two days i was kind of trapped in my own little world. I spent the whole 48 hours *no sleep* watching Grease and Grease 2 which by the way sucks quite horribly, listening to music and reading. I guess today i kind of woke up. It was freaky. I'm tired out. Fazp i'm totally ready for your mall idea. Hit me with your best shot, k?

And even though she doesn't believe in love, he's determined to call her bluff. Who could deny these butterflies?

Ok so i'm in social studies. It's the last day til' vacation. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, really. But i'll take it, either way. Besides, it's easy to get through the day knowing that tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that, i can sleep as late as i want. Sometimes i can't stand school. But i'm gunna miss it, all the same. But then, i can't really complain about vacation, especially considering that easter comes along with it. Besides that the whole 'vacation is coming' thing, i don't have much to say really. So i'm gunna go...uh and play pacman. Or something.

Baby i was naive, got lost in your eyes, never even had a chance...

Right now i just can't take it anymore. I need change. I mean comeon. I grew up totally guy free in an all girl household. I took care of myself and thats the way it's always been. I hung out with the guys when i was little because...well because i could. Since i hit...what six maybe?...it's been my thing. My shield. My brave face, convinced i didnt need anyone but myself and that i could handle anything all alone. And, to a certain extent, i still can. Take care of myself i mean. But it's like my whole "shield" is slipping. Lately i've been so dependant. And i've always felt like the only person i can really trust is myself. And more and more lately i've felt like i need someone to help keep me up. Like maybe i really can't do this all on my own and maybe i do NEED things. And it scares me. Because suddenly i feel alone. Really alone. My "ex" closest friend never wants to talk to me again and of course i act like i don't care, like she was horrible and it's all funny to me and i don't care. And she was horrible. And i do care. And it hurts like hell. I never thought i needed her but i guess it was because i had her. And now i'm going to high school next year and everyone that cares about me, or i think cares about me, will be leaving and soon they'll forget about me and probably not remember i exist by the time they're halfway through freshman year. Yeah it stings like hell. And then these feelings i cant explain for the life of me. Everywhere. Major harmonal rush. I don't even know anymore. I don't think i can handle this on my own. And it feels like everytime i blink i'm growing up and i don't like it. I really really dont like it. How can i still be myself when i'm in highschool? When i'm in college? When i have a career? And i don't know what's going to happen between now and then. And no matter how impulsive i may be, i can't be in control without knowing whats coming. And i'm so scared. And god i can't believe i wrote all this and i'm going to delete it..really soon...