Baby i was naive, got lost in your eyes, never even had a chance...

Right now i just can't take it anymore. I need change. I mean comeon. I grew up totally guy free in an all girl household. I took care of myself and thats the way it's always been. I hung out with the guys when i was little because...well because i could. Since i hit...what six maybe?...it's been my thing. My shield. My brave face, convinced i didnt need anyone but myself and that i could handle anything all alone. And, to a certain extent, i still can. Take care of myself i mean. But it's like my whole "shield" is slipping. Lately i've been so dependant. And i've always felt like the only person i can really trust is myself. And more and more lately i've felt like i need someone to help keep me up. Like maybe i really can't do this all on my own and maybe i do NEED things. And it scares me. Because suddenly i feel alone. Really alone. My "ex" closest friend never wants to talk to me again and of course i act like i don't care, like she was horrible and it's all funny to me and i don't care. And she was horrible. And i do care. And it hurts like hell. I never thought i needed her but i guess it was because i had her. And now i'm going to high school next year and everyone that cares about me, or i think cares about me, will be leaving and soon they'll forget about me and probably not remember i exist by the time they're halfway through freshman year. Yeah it stings like hell. And then these feelings i cant explain for the life of me. Everywhere. Major harmonal rush. I don't even know anymore. I don't think i can handle this on my own. And it feels like everytime i blink i'm growing up and i don't like it. I really really dont like it. How can i still be myself when i'm in highschool? When i'm in college? When i have a career? And i don't know what's going to happen between now and then. And no matter how impulsive i may be, i can't be in control without knowing whats coming. And i'm so scared. And god i can't believe i wrote all this and i'm going to delete it..really soon...