I'm feeling so impatient lately, like I'm always waiting for something to happen. But I don't in any way trigger anything happening, or even entertain the idea for that matter. So I sort of know something won't. So why am I constantly waiting?---Today is Friday so I'm not going to think about that. I had another one of those 'nightmares' last night. I don't know what they mean, or if they mean anything at all honestly, but they need to stop. I think I'd be a little upset if they did but for my own personal sanity's sake, I'd get over it. Then again, I don't ever seem to do much on behalf of my sanity. It must be an entity which marries very little to me unconsciously. Or maybe I might stil have one. Good nightmares only seem good when you're asleep.

Reading my own blog just made me cry...buckets. I kept thinking to myself today...was that me back then? Was that me? And now I see that it was me. It was happy me, but it was me. I want to rewind my life to a year and a half ago. Was it really JUST a year and a half? Just a year and a half. A year ago right now...Who was I? I can't comprehend this. I can't. Tomorrow, I'm going to my own personal hell. And when I come home, one of the people on my buddy list who I love the most will not IM me. Because we don't talk anymore. And I feel like if I could talk to him right now....everything would instantly right itself again. I need him so badly. No hes not a love interest. He never was. He never could be. But I need him. And there's someone else that will IM. But they won't mean a word they say. And they'll be shallow and nothing like the person I remember them as. How long ago was that? Two years ago. It feels like a decade. I wish this was all a horrible, horrible dream. My life is spiralling out of control. Even when I'm happy, there's that nagging misery waiting to rear its ugly head. I would give anything to go back to this time last year. Anything. But that will never happen. I'm defenseless. And I give up. Because I can't anymore. I can't do anything. I can fall and fall and fall a thousand times over and stand up again. But when it comes right down to it, I know I'm gunna fall again. I want my life back. Because this just can't be it. And I'm so sick and tired of wanting things...and wanting people. And they're not mine. They never will be. Maybe they were once but never again. I have to stop. I want to stop denying myself. But it's not things I want. It's people. Specific people, more than one. People that make me feel like me again. But they're not there to do that anymore. And only a few of them are left. And the one person I want the most is the one person with which the word want should never, never be associated.

It's been so long since I've blogged...

I feel like I'm standing in a quiet room, surrounded by family and friends and people I love, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even turns around. I've felt that way for a long time now. And it was always their fault. But what if I'm not screaming outloud? What if its my fault? I watch all these things pass me by. And I have so many opportunities to reach out and grab them...but I'm frozen. And I just stand and watch them go by, consumed by the wanting. Its always there. I'm always wanting. And it would be so simple to satisfy all of them. They're not impossible wants. They're not even complicated. They're simple and straightforward, and perfectly within reach. But, for some reason, I can't. I just can't. I want to reach out and grab it all for myself. I want consequences to become nonexistent, meaningless, obsolete. I want to just take for myself what I want and leave everyone else behind me to starve. And that doesn't make me a bad person. I know that. But if I actually do all of that...If I do that then I will be a bad person. And I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that. Or maybe I would but I just want to believe I wouldn't be able to. It's another matter of conscience. I want and I want and I want and in the wanting I forget all the people that are standing behind me. And they're wanting too. Maybe they're wanting what I'm wanting. It's not mine to take. But I want it. I thought love was powerful. I thought hate was powerful. But I'm convinced that there's absolutely nothing in the world that can rival wanting at it's peak. Not needing. There's no pain in needing. It's the wanting that kills you in the end.