Reading my own blog just made me cry...buckets. I kept thinking to myself today...was that me back then? Was that me? And now I see that it was me. It was happy me, but it was me. I want to rewind my life to a year and a half ago. Was it really JUST a year and a half? Just a year and a half. A year ago right now...Who was I? I can't comprehend this. I can't. Tomorrow, I'm going to my own personal hell. And when I come home, one of the people on my buddy list who I love the most will not IM me. Because we don't talk anymore. And I feel like if I could talk to him right now....everything would instantly right itself again. I need him so badly. No hes not a love interest. He never was. He never could be. But I need him. And there's someone else that will IM. But they won't mean a word they say. And they'll be shallow and nothing like the person I remember them as. How long ago was that? Two years ago. It feels like a decade. I wish this was all a horrible, horrible dream. My life is spiralling out of control. Even when I'm happy, there's that nagging misery waiting to rear its ugly head. I would give anything to go back to this time last year. Anything. But that will never happen. I'm defenseless. And I give up. Because I can't anymore. I can't do anything. I can fall and fall and fall a thousand times over and stand up again. But when it comes right down to it, I know I'm gunna fall again. I want my life back. Because this just can't be it. And I'm so sick and tired of wanting things...and wanting people. And they're not mine. They never will be. Maybe they were once but never again. I have to stop. I want to stop denying myself. But it's not things I want. It's people. Specific people, more than one. People that make me feel like me again. But they're not there to do that anymore. And only a few of them are left. And the one person I want the most is the one person with which the word want should never, never be associated.