It's been so long since I've blogged...

I feel like I'm standing in a quiet room, surrounded by family and friends and people I love, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even turns around. I've felt that way for a long time now. And it was always their fault. But what if I'm not screaming outloud? What if its my fault? I watch all these things pass me by. And I have so many opportunities to reach out and grab them...but I'm frozen. And I just stand and watch them go by, consumed by the wanting. Its always there. I'm always wanting. And it would be so simple to satisfy all of them. They're not impossible wants. They're not even complicated. They're simple and straightforward, and perfectly within reach. But, for some reason, I can't. I just can't. I want to reach out and grab it all for myself. I want consequences to become nonexistent, meaningless, obsolete. I want to just take for myself what I want and leave everyone else behind me to starve. And that doesn't make me a bad person. I know that. But if I actually do all of that...If I do that then I will be a bad person. And I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that. Or maybe I would but I just want to believe I wouldn't be able to. It's another matter of conscience. I want and I want and I want and in the wanting I forget all the people that are standing behind me. And they're wanting too. Maybe they're wanting what I'm wanting. It's not mine to take. But I want it. I thought love was powerful. I thought hate was powerful. But I'm convinced that there's absolutely nothing in the world that can rival wanting at it's peak. Not needing. There's no pain in needing. It's the wanting that kills you in the end.