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I'm in school!! I could probably have stayed home but for who the hell knows why, I didn't. I had to go so i convinced myself no one would be here but of course the class is almost full. And for once in a long time i don't really have much to talk about..which kinda means theres not really anything bothering me. It feels nice...but...really really weird. I guess it's one of those aquired taste things...i'm obviously not used to it. When i feel emotions they're very strong. So i'm either super happy or extremely depressed but never just in between. It's really nice. I'm not SUPER happy but i'm content. I wish it could be like this more often but i won't count on it. Alright well considering my new...odd but enjoyable state of mind it's bothering me that i'm still getting these horrible dreams. Sometimes i don't even remember them but lately i don't think i've missed any. Theres less of the strangely nice ones and more of the disgustingly morbid ones. I wish my self conscious could think up a more colorful and happy dream for me. I mean, it's bad enough that i go through depressing periods of my life in REALITY but can't i at least be happy when i'm asleep? Obviously not. Love Story is on!! Reminds me of CA. We're reading Romeo and Juliet and "Vrai" ahem hem, is Juliet and she has to marry this creepy kid in my class but it's hysterical because it's the perfect time to make fun of her. Oh and i dont even want to go home because im kind of..enjoying myself. And going home means worrying about falling asleep because im actually tired during the day not at night....i swear im nocturnal. Shit. Bell rang.

I Hate Boys

Ok for the record *sigh* i was talking about my dad in that purple-ish blog... okay? Honestly, i'm only saying this to clear up anyones hopes that i'm referring to my "romantic life" because i can assure you. I'm romance free. One of the many perks of being me. But to the point it's just kind of that he hurt me. A lot. In fact he's not the only guy that's hurt me so much. I guess i just have horrible experience with guys. In fact i hate them, all of them, and what they do to your insides. They mess 'em up. They're either jerks, they're not jerks, or they die. Like all the good romances. It just sucks. I guess i just can't handle guys sometimes. They say girls are confusing but really we're not. Well i actually think I'm more complicated then most girls because I'm not satisfied with shopping at Gucci and Hollister and dating a different boy everyday. But boys? I just cannot understand them. Ever. Ugh.

Ranting Again...What else is new?

Ok well first...remember that feeling i mentioned? Where i feel like all my friends hate me. It's worrying me a lot more now. I mean...what if they all hate me and secretly have "Trash Chris" clubs every week? Ok maybe thats pushing it. Then again this is ME we're talking about so maybe it's not. I mean honestly i usually have fun with my friends but in the back of my mind im always thinking...why are they here, with me? they could be enjoying themselves with someone else much more interesting and/or asthetically pleasing then i am. In fact i think a crayon is more intersting and/or asthetically pleasing then me so...yea...Another thing. My self esteem has, if possible, decreased A LOT in the last couple of weeks. I've been writing so much but when i read it over im just so disappointed. And i wish i could have been born looking less...well to be honest less hideous because...its bothering me more and more as i grow older. I miss Jay but he's ignoring me and im pissed at myself for missing him (note..he is not the one in my last blog...just avoiding possible confusion and embarassment for myself there) but i think that while what i did was wrong cursing me out is not going to help things. Theres nothing i can do and i was irresponsible but i dont think its worth losing a friendship. I miss having people care about me because he was like one of the few i thought...maybe actually did. Ok i KNOW im 100% wrong in the actual losing of the thing but i just wish we could at least be "aquaintances" or SOMETHING.

Here I Go Again

Is it crazy to miss someone that hates you? When you havent talked to someone in a really long time and you just KNOW that they, far from loving you, hate you but you still really miss them. Instead of thinking of all the horrible things he did to me and how much he hurt me and screwed me up and contributed to the demented weirdo i am today, i miss him alot. I know i probably shouldn't. I hate that i could miss someone that hurt me so badly but i think thats actually part of the reason i miss him. Because i want to prove to myself that when i call him up and he comes and sees me he'll say that i'm smart or pretty or all the things i wish i am but know i'm not. I get it a lot but it would be so nice coming from him. I hate that i want to impress someone but truthfully and i always say it myself, theres a fine line between love and hate.  

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Sometimes i'm afraid im just gunna lose it one day. I can barely breathe for all the crazy t hings running through my head right now. This is not unusual. At all. I wish it was though, i really, really do. Everyone thinks i'm so outgoing and happy and i'm always laughing and making other people laugh and just acting...all around happy. Anyone at school if asked what they thought i was like would say i was hyper and jumpy and happy and maybe even funny sometimes. They have no idea whats running through my damn head. Jokes, laughter? It's all kind of a cover so i don't have to go out in the open with...well sort of without a wall. Without defenses to hide how i'm really feeling. It must sound like i'm a real coward. I mean i don't think anyone else does this. Usually the people i know who are hurting or depressed or angry...well you can tell. By looking at them you can read it on their face. But i'm not like that. I'm not an open book (scuse the pun). I go around laughing and joking and smiling and pretending everythings just great. And it never is. Not usually. And the only friend that really...well not the only friend...but one of the few that actually understood and knew when i was happy and when i was sad and was able to see through my tangled emotions was forcefully torn away from me and i'm banned from her property and am not allowed to speak to her. I miss her and i miss sitting up at night eating popcorn and listening to videos on her itouch and playing stupid games that i dont care to mention publically and making up stupid texts to send to Jay because I knew that no matter how annoying we got he'd never get mad because i was with his girlfriend and singing christmas carols at the top of our lungs the night before christmas and going down a hill in a shopping cart. Most of the stupid things i've done in my life i've done with her and it's weird how instead of regretting them i wish i could just go back to the simpler times that they took place in. (When boys were just disgusting, untouchable wastes of space filled with cooties and germs)-ALINA QUOTE (she found this neccesary and come to think of it so do i.) and when you were crying hysterically, all it took was your mommy and some ice cream to patch it all up and make everything better. It takes so much more now. I never realized how much someone could hurt. Never. I never knew the immense emotional sufferage that i was humanly capable of. It's like a needle in my back and every time something happens it just keeps pushing further and further in and all the blood starts welling up until the needle disappears and its inside you and you just dont know how to get it out. Ok so say that that wasnt hypothetical? That it really happened? What would you do? Get rushed to the emergency room to have it surgically removed and if it wasn't out in time you might catch gang green and have to get some body parts amputated. Lovely. I think i'd rather the hypothetical situation to the real one though. Every single problem is just piling on and its hard enough to solve one but i just cant sort through them and find out whats most important. They say follow your heart not your head but it's a lot harder then they make it out to be. Sometimes i just dont want to get out of bed anymore. Saturday night movies and friend time and all is temporary relieving but once the weekends gone all the problems just come right back and with interest too. And then when im confused and i just dont know where to turn and talking to my imaginary friends and the voices in my head and crying and crying and crying and even writing doesnt help me then i do something i wont say on here. I know this is supposed to be like my blog but i would rather not share this. It's just that i know i'm wrong and i should never do this ever but i...well sometimes i feel like i deserve it and everything is my fault. Everyones problems. All my friends. And then sometimes i know its wrong and im more aware of that but i think just one more time itll make you feel better. IF you havent figured out what im talking about thats probably best....Point is i have problems, lots of them. Oh and one last thing. Is it natural that every time i feel like im making a friend i tell myself im not. I always always tell myself that i dont deserve friends and therefore will probably never have any. All my friends...i mean its not them but i always think in the back of my mind..why are they putting up with me? why dont they just LEAVE? Dont they want to get away from me? and they dont and i feel so bad...like im holding them back. And then after i botched the recent two friendships AKA:cate and jay, i feel like i destroy every relationship...i know that eventually all my friends are gunna leavc me, at least thats the way it seems. one by one im losing them and each time one of them leaves me its more pain more hurting. i cant take it anymore. why am i so insecure?

Am i just a nerd or can someone relate to book obsession? To me, there's no better place in the world then behind printed pages. Anywhere else, you're still you but when you read... you're not you anymore. And that might as well be my dream. To not be me, that is. No one can blame me. No one would ever want to be me. But that's not really the point. I've got plenty of time to insult myself and it doesn't have to be in public. I have low enough self esteem without showing it to the whole world. Point is, am i cowardice to  hide away in my books? Because more and more recently it seems like that's what I'm doing. Mom thinks you're a failure? Read a book. Dad texts you saying he misses you when he probably wants his old punching bag back? Read. Love sucks? Read. Does that make me a coward? I hope it doesn't because even though i have such low self esteem, i've always prided myself in that i don't hide from things and I'm strong that way. If anything at all is good about me, i would think that would be it. But i just hope that I'm not running away from things. Not only reading but writing... songs, poetry, stories.... music and all that. It's all kind of an escape from reality. It bothers me to think that i need to escape from reality but... i do.     

Dreams...?

I've been having these dreams...And I'm starting to really wonder if there's something wrong with me. They're usually about death (usually not my own but the person or people i love) and then these disturbingly enjoyable dreams that are...shall we say passionate? I don't really know what to call them. I'd really rather not go into it. And then I get these new dreams... and it all has to do with this surgery i had when i was really little....I was in ICU, i was hooked up to an IV, couldn't breathe without tubes and the whole thing and apparently it might come back... and despite  the fact that, mentally challenged as i am, i don't exactly enjoy life here on our lovely little earth, i still would rather not die, lonely and bored in some hospital room because my heart swelled to four times its size. Talk about your irony. And they say thats a good thing? Well its not! And shit i do not want it to happen to me. Again. It's not death I'm worried about. It's missing out on the one or two people i really love and the, if very small, possibility of actually making something out of my life. I need music. That's the only thing in the world that can take me out of this mess I'm in. And another thing, if everyone thinks love is so great, maybe they should think again because sometimes it sends that warm tingling sensation down your spine and makes you want to sing and scream at he top of your lungs but most of the time it's just plain horrible;guilt for making life difficult for yourself and pushing yourself on someone who probably wants nothing to do with you but for the sake of being polite pretends he does, disgust for being stupid enough to fall in love with someone high above your place in the world and with your disturbing romantic and morbid dreams, misery that it's never going to get anywhere and all these jumbled feelings are a waste of time, regret for ever having been born in the first place and humility for every time you tell yourself you just cant anymore and then you hear the name and you get that damn tingling and your whole world is a freaking Candy-land.