Dreams...?

I've been having these dreams...And I'm starting to really wonder if there's something wrong with me. They're usually about death (usually not my own but the person or people i love) and then these disturbingly enjoyable dreams that are...shall we say passionate? I don't really know what to call them. I'd really rather not go into it. And then I get these new dreams... and it all has to do with this surgery i had when i was really little....I was in ICU, i was hooked up to an IV, couldn't breathe without tubes and the whole thing and apparently it might come back... and despite  the fact that, mentally challenged as i am, i don't exactly enjoy life here on our lovely little earth, i still would rather not die, lonely and bored in some hospital room because my heart swelled to four times its size. Talk about your irony. And they say thats a good thing? Well its not! And shit i do not want it to happen to me. Again. It's not death I'm worried about. It's missing out on the one or two people i really love and the, if very small, possibility of actually making something out of my life. I need music. That's the only thing in the world that can take me out of this mess I'm in. And another thing, if everyone thinks love is so great, maybe they should think again because sometimes it sends that warm tingling sensation down your spine and makes you want to sing and scream at he top of your lungs but most of the time it's just plain horrible;guilt for making life difficult for yourself and pushing yourself on someone who probably wants nothing to do with you but for the sake of being polite pretends he does, disgust for being stupid enough to fall in love with someone high above your place in the world and with your disturbing romantic and morbid dreams, misery that it's never going to get anywhere and all these jumbled feelings are a waste of time, regret for ever having been born in the first place and humility for every time you tell yourself you just cant anymore and then you hear the name and you get that damn tingling and your whole world is a freaking Candy-land.