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Sometimes i'm afraid im just gunna lose it one day. I can barely breathe for all the crazy t hings running through my head right now. This is not unusual. At all. I wish it was though, i really, really do. Everyone thinks i'm so outgoing and happy and i'm always laughing and making other people laugh and just acting...all around happy. Anyone at school if asked what they thought i was like would say i was hyper and jumpy and happy and maybe even funny sometimes. They have no idea whats running through my damn head. Jokes, laughter? It's all kind of a cover so i don't have to go out in the open with...well sort of without a wall. Without defenses to hide how i'm really feeling. It must sound like i'm a real coward. I mean i don't think anyone else does this. Usually the people i know who are hurting or depressed or angry...well you can tell. By looking at them you can read it on their face. But i'm not like that. I'm not an open book (scuse the pun). I go around laughing and joking and smiling and pretending everythings just great. And it never is. Not usually. And the only friend that really...well not the only friend...but one of the few that actually understood and knew when i was happy and when i was sad and was able to see through my tangled emotions was forcefully torn away from me and i'm banned from her property and am not allowed to speak to her. I miss her and i miss sitting up at night eating popcorn and listening to videos on her itouch and playing stupid games that i dont care to mention publically and making up stupid texts to send to Jay because I knew that no matter how annoying we got he'd never get mad because i was with his girlfriend and singing christmas carols at the top of our lungs the night before christmas and going down a hill in a shopping cart. Most of the stupid things i've done in my life i've done with her and it's weird how instead of regretting them i wish i could just go back to the simpler times that they took place in. (When boys were just disgusting, untouchable wastes of space filled with cooties and germs)-ALINA QUOTE (she found this neccesary and come to think of it so do i.) and when you were crying hysterically, all it took was your mommy and some ice cream to patch it all up and make everything better. It takes so much more now. I never realized how much someone could hurt. Never. I never knew the immense emotional sufferage that i was humanly capable of. It's like a needle in my back and every time something happens it just keeps pushing further and further in and all the blood starts welling up until the needle disappears and its inside you and you just dont know how to get it out. Ok so say that that wasnt hypothetical? That it really happened? What would you do? Get rushed to the emergency room to have it surgically removed and if it wasn't out in time you might catch gang green and have to get some body parts amputated. Lovely. I think i'd rather the hypothetical situation to the real one though. Every single problem is just piling on and its hard enough to solve one but i just cant sort through them and find out whats most important. They say follow your heart not your head but it's a lot harder then they make it out to be. Sometimes i just dont want to get out of bed anymore. Saturday night movies and friend time and all is temporary relieving but once the weekends gone all the problems just come right back and with interest too. And then when im confused and i just dont know where to turn and talking to my imaginary friends and the voices in my head and crying and crying and crying and even writing doesnt help me then i do something i wont say on here. I know this is supposed to be like my blog but i would rather not share this. It's just that i know i'm wrong and i should never do this ever but i...well sometimes i feel like i deserve it and everything is my fault. Everyones problems. All my friends. And then sometimes i know its wrong and im more aware of that but i think just one more time itll make you feel better. IF you havent figured out what im talking about thats probably best....Point is i have problems, lots of them. Oh and one last thing. Is it natural that every time i feel like im making a friend i tell myself im not. I always always tell myself that i dont deserve friends and therefore will probably never have any. All my friends...i mean its not them but i always think in the back of my mind..why are they putting up with me? why dont they just LEAVE? Dont they want to get away from me? and they dont and i feel so bad...like im holding them back. And then after i botched the recent two friendships AKA:cate and jay, i feel like i destroy every relationship...i know that eventually all my friends are gunna leavc me, at least thats the way it seems. one by one im losing them and each time one of them leaves me its more pain more hurting. i cant take it anymore. why am i so insecure?