Ranting Again...What else is new?

Ok well first...remember that feeling i mentioned? Where i feel like all my friends hate me. It's worrying me a lot more now. I mean...what if they all hate me and secretly have "Trash Chris" clubs every week? Ok maybe thats pushing it. Then again this is ME we're talking about so maybe it's not. I mean honestly i usually have fun with my friends but in the back of my mind im always thinking...why are they here, with me? they could be enjoying themselves with someone else much more interesting and/or asthetically pleasing then i am. In fact i think a crayon is more intersting and/or asthetically pleasing then me so...yea...Another thing. My self esteem has, if possible, decreased A LOT in the last couple of weeks. I've been writing so much but when i read it over im just so disappointed. And i wish i could have been born looking less...well to be honest less hideous because...its bothering me more and more as i grow older. I miss Jay but he's ignoring me and im pissed at myself for missing him (note..he is not the one in my last blog...just avoiding possible confusion and embarassment for myself there) but i think that while what i did was wrong cursing me out is not going to help things. Theres nothing i can do and i was irresponsible but i dont think its worth losing a friendship. I miss having people care about me because he was like one of the few i thought...maybe actually did. Ok i KNOW im 100% wrong in the actual losing of the thing but i just wish we could at least be "aquaintances" or SOMETHING.