So today I'm in gym, right? And we're about seven girls sitting in a cluster. So of course the topic of celebrities must be given rise. Point of the day: Lady GaGa and Miley Cyrus are not pretty. Justin Bieber and Eminem are not attractive. This 'point' was argued for far too long for my sub-conscious to take. So in honor of this, I am making a list, guys and girls, what boys are hot, what girls are not, what boys are overrated, what girls are so pretty I want to dye their hair green and glue them to a passing 747. :) Okay, also because I'm in a listing mood. Lists calm me. I read some pretty good lists tonight. Top 100 Bands. Led Zep on top of The Beatles. An interesting twist, one maybe I can support given time? We'll see. And 10o worst movies. Okay, Santa Clause Conquers the Martians...I've never seen it. But you know what, I'll take their word for it. Much as it sounds like....a delight. *Wrinkles nose* And Top Songs? Out of 50 counting down, Free Bird was like 30. Above Be My Baby. I mean, The Ronettes are classics, yes, and I love Dirty Dancing and that song reminds me of it. But Free Bird is a classic. And Stairway was runner-up to Imagine. Imagine is so over-rated. Unbelievably so. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still adore The Beatles. Alone, though, let's face it, they lost a hell of a lot of flair. And if any John Lennon related song should have been number one in place of Stairway, Hey Jude should have been bumped up. Anyway, I'm ranting. List time. Counting down of course. That way's more suspenseful. No one wants to read a list that starts with Number One. Then there's no reason to get to the bottom.
Let's start with...
Top 5 Over-Rated Guys :)
5) Channing Tatum: Is an underwear model, yes, yes. And very cute in his own right. But somehow he just isn't that exciting to me. Yes, he is more than vaguely attractive, which is why he's number 5, not number 1. But a crew cut? Eh. I don't know there...
4) Robert Pattinson: Luckily, the fanatics finally seem to be wearing thin. No, he's not repulsive. He's not a bad actor either, and I applaud his faking an American accent so very well in so many movies, because I would probably be a failure with an English one. I liked him as Cedric Diggory too, in HP, but speaking from the vantage point of Twilight-obsession...I mean get over it. He sparkles. Men do not sparkle. That makes them much less manly in my opinion. Sorry Edward.
3) The Jonas Brothers: Need I say more? Aside from their music (which alone could probably keep me going for a good hour or so) they are simply not attractive, not to mention that the youngest seems to have a look of constant confusion on his face. Like...hey look there's a guitar in my hand. What should I do with it? I don't know. I just do not find any of these boys very attractive.
2) Kanye West: Seems to be the subject of much dispute since like LAST YEAR'S Grammy's. Hey, if Taylor Swift can get over it, we can get over it too. Besides that fact, some people actually like him. I don't know if they're attracted or if they just like his music. Neither really makes sense to me. I mean the guy has no class, not that many do today. But he's like the poster-boy for how to lack it. Anyone seen his performance at the VMA's? A toast for the jerk-offs? I thought someone was going to come out and say April Fools! No one did.
1) Justin Bieber: Oh God. Why is this boy so popular? I mean he's cute, but cute like Aw look how adorable that little boy is! Not...hot. His voice is very, very high-pitched for his supposed 17 years...He does not come off as an experienced musician, more a kid who's enjoying the popularity. I cannot believe he is closer to the most YouTube views than Michael Jackson.
Okay, so how about...
Top 5 Over-Rated Women
5) Miley Cyrus: I'm not sure if adding her is neccessary, per-say. It seems the Hannah Montana phase has died down in my generation, luckily. Um...what can I say? I respect her to a certain extent. Her autobiography made it clear she really just wanted her big break and she got it. But, speaking from a girl's point of view, I don't think the blonde wig is very attractive. I don't think many boys do either. I can't blame her for being glad to dump the Disney title soon. Her spread in Vanity Fair was a big accident just waiting to happen.
4) Kim Kardashian: You didn't expect to see her on here did you? She's pretty, yes, not that I would really envy her her looks, since they're not the sort I go for when I get dressed in the morning if you know what I mean. She's got a lot going for her, I respect her. But the fact that she seems to be what automatically leaps to mind in a guy's mind when someone says 'sexy' is baffling to me.
3) Vanessa Ann Hudgens: I'm glad to say that I believe the HSM fanbase has officially broken down and moved on, probably to become Twilight fangirls. Hm...I still believe she deserves to be on this list. She's pretty, nice smile, nice natural, wavy brown hair. Really, really, really, really annoys me. I don't know why, all I know is that she does.
2) Rihanna: Pretty girl. Most of the girls I mentioned are. I mean, more it's just the message they send out, their music, in general. I'm trying to judge by their looks but, my being a girl, when I judge the girls I'm taking other things into consideration. Sorry, hah, can't help it. Not a big Rihanna fan. Something about her just bothers me. Besides, her looks, fashion choices and all, are not made up of anything I would wear. To much leggings and big shirts, which is a sweet look but can't last.
1) Lady GaGa: I don't think many guys my age really think she's 'hot'? But I do know for a fact her videos are the most watched videos on YouTube. And I applaud her. Her craziness is what brought her this fame. People soak it up like sponges these days, and it was definitely a good financial move. I'll admit it, even I listen to some of her songs. But why does she sweep at the VMA's? She's original, but not dynamic. I do adore her voice acoustically, and an excellent pianist. But I feel she should be number one because let's face it...some of her looks are just ridiculous. This coming from me of all people. I wish she'd tone it down a little, because sometimes she's got some flashes of genious, but mostly her outfits look like she was a martian that came down from outerspace. And it scares me.
Top 5 Hot Guys (So hard to choose!)
5) Drew Fuller: No one has heard of him, and I am trying to be very general in why I choose these guys, meaning they should be famous enough. But look him up. He's got nice long brown hair. Crazy blue eyes. Birth mark under his eye. That pretty much did it for me. I'm a sucker for guys with beauty marks. Dimples too.
4) Christofer Drew Ingle: *sucks in breath* Oh God. Saw him live, back when I didn't know who he was, remember Fazp. She went out, bought a poster of him. If i had money, I probably would have done the same. Sweet, sweet guy. Yeah, his voice is on the high side too, but he's no Bieber. And it's getting better. And his YouTube videos make me want to cry with happiness. He's so sweet and his laugh <3>
3) Taylor Lautner: I know, I know, I'm pathetic. I ranted about Twi-fans. I'm not one, I swear. I mean original idea, but choosing between the two, Harry Potter is a HUGE favorite. Twilight stands no chance against it. Still...gotta say, Harry Potter probably does not look the same shirtless as Taylor Lautner does. Isn't that really the sub-conscious reason why all us not-so-Twi obsessed people go to see the movie? In New Moon when Bella crashed the motorcycle and Jake took off his shirt and wrapped it around his arm, the whole movie theatre just SIGHED. Enough said.
2) Billy Zane: Okay, not so cute anymore. It's a shame. He shaved his head. I almost cried, I'll admit it. But back three, four, maybe even five years ago he was gorgeous hands down. Very unique look, big strong chin, hair that does that gorgeous flippy thing, lips you just want to...okay...nvm that. But seriously. His name is Billy Zane. C'mon, can he get any cooler?
1) Johnny Depp: Wow....do I really need to comment? The man is a mad hatter, a pirate, Willy Wonka, and about several million other odd characters. None of them were ever women's fantasies...not until he played them that is. Talented, beautiful accent, unique and very unlike other guys and...gorgeeeeoous. Watch Pirates of the Carribean. The storyline after the first movie? Not worth much. Johnny Depp saying 'Savvy?' with his eyes rimmed with mascar and a big giant pirate hat? Woah. Just...woah.
Honorable Mention: John Travolta and Patrick Swayze?
Why They're Not on the List: Patrick Swayze R.I.P. That's why. And John Travolta...let himself go. I mean Billy Zane isn't cute anymore but he's not like...unattractive. John Travolta...not so much.
As Far as Looks USED to go: John-As Danny Zuko, and in Saturday Night Fever too, even for the oldies Welcome Back, Kotter. He was super young there. Super young with black hair doing a flippy thing, a square jaw, big knock'em dead blue eyes, and killer abs. Patrick-Probably best remembered for Dirty Dancing, of course, and perhaps The Outsiders too, even if he was just a kid there. Watch him dance in Dirty Dancing and tell me that you don't just wanna float through the screen. Gotta lov'em.
Top 6 Prettiest Women (not a typo. Sorry! I need 6. I couldn't narrow it down)
6) Katy Perry: Gotta love Katy Perry. Okay, no you don't. But I do. Great music, even if Fazp insists her voice is a fake on those albums. Don't much mind. She writes and composes it, so even if she's got a bad voice, she's got a lovely sense of lyric. Who doesn't get Hot n' Cold stuck in their heads? Really like Fingerprints and One of the Boys too. Off topic though. She's got a very unqiue style, but unlike Lady GaGa, doesn't push it. She wears crazy, out there clothes, dyes her hair multi-colors, but at the end of the day she is recognizable as a human being. Never thought of her as pretty til' I saw the Thinking of You video. She's got gigantic blue eyes. Like huge. Very jealous of them. Lol and her hair helps, too, very pretty black and curly (when its not blue that is) hah.
5) Emma Watson: I love her in Harry Potter, of course. Who doesn't? And she's got a very sweet, sophisticated, intelligent look. Not sure if I'm really a fan of the recent pixie cut look. Love her big bushy hair, though. She was an adorable little kid. We all loved her in the first HP movie. And now we're onto the 7th and look at her! When did she grow up?
4) Rachel McAdams: I probably would have put Noah Calhoun for hottest guys if I knew who played him. Besides, he's probably not as cute anymore. Rachel McAdams is still a sweetheart though, and a real likeable actress. Loved her in The Notebook, and just as much in The Time Traveler's Wife. She always plays her roles wonderfully. And she's got the sweet pixie look with the big doe eyes and curly hair.
3) Hayley Williams: <3>
2) Taylor Swift: Sometimes I wonder if this girl is real. Honestly. Like I can't believe it. First, I love her songs. I mean, I would not go so far as to dub her the best singer I've ever heard, cause she's not even close. But she really does give off this great vibe performing. She's very relatable, for us girls anyway. I mean every word that comes out of this girl's mouth makes you groan and say "I know what you mean". Which is great...most of the time anyway. Good sense of humor too, and anyone who's seen her Monologue Song on Saturday Night Live can accede to it too. Then of course, lookswise. Unfairly, she's really, really pretty. First, ALL NATURAL blonde corkscrew curls, while every other girl is sitting there cursing out a curling iron cause it just burned off their extremities. Second, super tall and skinny. Like, does she work out? Or does she not have to cause she's so freaking tall. Third and finally, of course, her crazy eyes. Theyre like almost foreign looking...very odd. Very almond, like stretched out, but they really pop. First thing you see. I can try and try and can never make my eyes pop the way hers do.
1) Rose McGowan: I'm the only one who knows who she is <3>
Honorable Mention: Judy Garland, Olivia Newton-John, Alyssa Milano
Why They're Not on the List: Judy is dead, rest her soul and her crazy awesome singing voice. Olivia...I don't know. She's so old now and...not Sandy like. I just didn't feel the need. Alyssa...idk! She should be. Let's pretend shes number 7. It's so much easier to pick girls than guys because some guy-celebrities I like are guilty pleasures <3
As Far as Looks USED to Go: Judy Garland was super pretty, Im as jealous of her as Rose. Super flawless porcelain skin (which was easier to have then i suppose since it was the in thing and everyone wore hats and carried parasols but still) and long, bright red hair, almost like Hayley. Super amazing singing voice. Everyone knows who she is, they just don't know they do. Hello, Wizard of Oz? Dorothy? I liked her best as Esther though, in Meet Me in St. Louie. Olivia Newton-John as Sandy. At the end of that movie the first time you see it, everybody's jaw drops. I know mine did and I was like three. Her hair is huge, yeah, but for thirty four (no, shes not really 18 in that movie people) she was looking pretty awesome. There's Xanadu too, of course, but I think I count that movie as a fail, sorry Olivia. And Alyssa Milano? We literally watched her grow up in Who's the Boss, from 10 to her early 20's! She was an adorable little kid, pretty teenager, and then BAM. Like Emma Watson, we had to wonder, when the hell did that happen? She's in her mid-30's now and I still cross my fingers I look as good as her when I am :)
DONEEEEEE. Oh god this took me like a day. But I'm almost proud of it. It was done quick. Maybe if I think of more I'll edit in and out. Naw probly not. Night. This was tiring but a fun way to get myself to sleep.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
My-Little-Ponyyyy
Hot n' Cold stuck in my head. Oh, Katy Perry and the 'my-little-pony' streaks in your hair I so envy...Yes, it's the same day, you don't need to tell me; I know. I think I want to try some streaks. Like just go to Hot Topic, buy a bunch of packs of those two dollar temp dyes and try purple and red and orange and green and see if it comes out like hers. Yes, rainbow hair is my inspiration. I love how I talk like I've got some sort of an audience. Come on invisible people, you love it too <3 Whaaat do I want to write about. I don't know. Jaaaay, talk to me. I wish I was rich. Superbly, fabulously, ridiculously, extraordinarily rich. This would never have happened. Do I obsess? Am I an obsessive person?
No, I'm clingy. That's it, isn't it? I cling to things, I cling to people, I cling to memories, I cling to possibilities, as small and unlikely as their desired outcomes may be...Is that normal, that I know what I want for myself? Well, not always, not quite. But a lot of the time, most of the time, I do.
And it's the things that I know that I want that I never make a move on. I'm not sure why. I am sure it's partly that I'm afraid. Maybe I'm a coward, even if that's the worst sort of thing to be out of everything as far as I'm concerned. But then, perhaps that's why. I don't know. There's a lot I don't know. There's a fair lot I do know too, though I'm not at all sure they're equal. Sometimes I feel like no one knows half as much as I do. Sometimes I feel stupid and small. But that's rare. I'm not stupid and small. I'm just a little lost is all.
Maybe, it's just that I'm afraid of the outcome, of both outcomes, the good one and the bad one. The chain reactions. If i did that, did this, then did that, what would happen? Even if it was what I was aiming for, would it make me happy? Worse, would it make them happy, the people I'm supposed to care about?
It always seems like it's the people I'm supposed to have forgotten that I really do love, and the people that are always with me that I don't.
Not that I seem like the type, but maybe I'm too careful, too cautious. I need to be told. I need to be reassured. And even then, everything seems fragile and glassy. Or no, more like a big, complicated pattern of dominoes, all painstakingly lined up. If I touch even one of them wrong, they all fall. Every single thing is a precarious situation.
I'm pretty instinctive, I think, where it counts. Or where other people count it. I would love to go cliff-diving, scuba-diving, para-sailing...That's fine. But give me a relationship, any relationship, and I can guarantee I'll ruin it for you or your money back. -__-
I'm just not sure anymore. At the very least, I've come a long way from where and who I was when I wrote my first blog here. I was pretty dramatic then, and even if I still am now, it's on a different level. I liked attention and, yeah, I still do, but I can control myself now, stop from trying to get it, stop from telling myself that it's a need when it can only be a want. And wants are not to be satisfied, not ever. I can't.
My wants always interfere with other people's wants. And where does that leave me? Just smiling and saying it's fine, really it is, it wasn't that important anyway.
It's like there's a special mechanism in me that says to just grin, just grin and bare it. Not so much because of other people's feelings, because sometimes they're total strangers, but...like an excuse. Like oh, look, someone else got there first, trash your dreams because...they won't work out anyway.
Maybe that's it, maybe not. But I do like to work things out like this, piece by piece, methodic. Isn't that ironic, my being so messy, after all. My thoughts are messy too, but that's something that bothers me, something that needs to be sorted through. Like when my armoire gets too full and mom says to go through it, throw out the things that don't fit, that I don't like, that I don't care about anymore. And then I get nostalgic, just the same way. I want to keep them, even if they're long past due to be thrown away, even if they're torn and ripped and bent out of shape and I have no business keeping them in my life. I want them to stay. And knowing they don't belong with me anymore just makes me want them more, like those ratty old t-shirts that you put in the 'Trash' pile, then grab back when no one's looking. It's sweet, it knows you, it feels right, maybe...you're still a little attached, even if it isn't right.
Am I making sense? I suppose here of all places, it doesn't much matter, right? I like blogging. I like that I can write as much as I need as fast as I need to without my fingers cramping. I like that it's not just an MS Word diary, that people can read it, that it's available, but that I still have my own level of privacy with it. That if someone ever saw this, maybe they'd understand. Even if they never said so, maybe someone would read this, someone who feels the same way, who gets it. Maybe I'll be able to tell. Maybe I won't feel so crazy.
I think I just have some things to work through, to get rid of like I said. And I'm clingy, I said that too, didn't I? I remember. And that...I need to learn to let go. I'm probably as much the mental equivalent of a pack-rat as anything else. I go over and over in my head what might have happened, what I could have done, what they could have said, and mostly where I would be now, if things would be the same.
Maybe I've done enough talking....yeeeahhh. I think I'm talked out. No, not even close, isn't that frightening?
No, I'm clingy. That's it, isn't it? I cling to things, I cling to people, I cling to memories, I cling to possibilities, as small and unlikely as their desired outcomes may be...Is that normal, that I know what I want for myself? Well, not always, not quite. But a lot of the time, most of the time, I do.
And it's the things that I know that I want that I never make a move on. I'm not sure why. I am sure it's partly that I'm afraid. Maybe I'm a coward, even if that's the worst sort of thing to be out of everything as far as I'm concerned. But then, perhaps that's why. I don't know. There's a lot I don't know. There's a fair lot I do know too, though I'm not at all sure they're equal. Sometimes I feel like no one knows half as much as I do. Sometimes I feel stupid and small. But that's rare. I'm not stupid and small. I'm just a little lost is all.
Maybe, it's just that I'm afraid of the outcome, of both outcomes, the good one and the bad one. The chain reactions. If i did that, did this, then did that, what would happen? Even if it was what I was aiming for, would it make me happy? Worse, would it make them happy, the people I'm supposed to care about?
It always seems like it's the people I'm supposed to have forgotten that I really do love, and the people that are always with me that I don't.
Not that I seem like the type, but maybe I'm too careful, too cautious. I need to be told. I need to be reassured. And even then, everything seems fragile and glassy. Or no, more like a big, complicated pattern of dominoes, all painstakingly lined up. If I touch even one of them wrong, they all fall. Every single thing is a precarious situation.
I'm pretty instinctive, I think, where it counts. Or where other people count it. I would love to go cliff-diving, scuba-diving, para-sailing...That's fine. But give me a relationship, any relationship, and I can guarantee I'll ruin it for you or your money back. -__-
I'm just not sure anymore. At the very least, I've come a long way from where and who I was when I wrote my first blog here. I was pretty dramatic then, and even if I still am now, it's on a different level. I liked attention and, yeah, I still do, but I can control myself now, stop from trying to get it, stop from telling myself that it's a need when it can only be a want. And wants are not to be satisfied, not ever. I can't.
My wants always interfere with other people's wants. And where does that leave me? Just smiling and saying it's fine, really it is, it wasn't that important anyway.
It's like there's a special mechanism in me that says to just grin, just grin and bare it. Not so much because of other people's feelings, because sometimes they're total strangers, but...like an excuse. Like oh, look, someone else got there first, trash your dreams because...they won't work out anyway.
Maybe that's it, maybe not. But I do like to work things out like this, piece by piece, methodic. Isn't that ironic, my being so messy, after all. My thoughts are messy too, but that's something that bothers me, something that needs to be sorted through. Like when my armoire gets too full and mom says to go through it, throw out the things that don't fit, that I don't like, that I don't care about anymore. And then I get nostalgic, just the same way. I want to keep them, even if they're long past due to be thrown away, even if they're torn and ripped and bent out of shape and I have no business keeping them in my life. I want them to stay. And knowing they don't belong with me anymore just makes me want them more, like those ratty old t-shirts that you put in the 'Trash' pile, then grab back when no one's looking. It's sweet, it knows you, it feels right, maybe...you're still a little attached, even if it isn't right.
Am I making sense? I suppose here of all places, it doesn't much matter, right? I like blogging. I like that I can write as much as I need as fast as I need to without my fingers cramping. I like that it's not just an MS Word diary, that people can read it, that it's available, but that I still have my own level of privacy with it. That if someone ever saw this, maybe they'd understand. Even if they never said so, maybe someone would read this, someone who feels the same way, who gets it. Maybe I'll be able to tell. Maybe I won't feel so crazy.
I think I just have some things to work through, to get rid of like I said. And I'm clingy, I said that too, didn't I? I remember. And that...I need to learn to let go. I'm probably as much the mental equivalent of a pack-rat as anything else. I go over and over in my head what might have happened, what I could have done, what they could have said, and mostly where I would be now, if things would be the same.
Maybe I've done enough talking....yeeeahhh. I think I'm talked out. No, not even close, isn't that frightening?
La
"It's not a war, no, it's not a rapture. I'm just a person, but you can't take it. The same tricks that, that once fooled me, won't get you anywhere. I'm not the same kid from your memory, well now I can fend for myself."
School is not so bad. Chem is actually kinda cool. In the space of forty six minutes I saw at least four things explode and/or go on fire. Spinning/Toning is yet to be determined. We just sit there and talk...Spanish is all juniors, but they're cool too, even if they call me 'Sophomore'. The English teacher is a bitch. Period. And she says there's gunna be a lot of public speaking -__- I'm like....hah, honey, I don't think so. Then Lunch...is...subjective to a lot of things, I suppose it depends. It's passable, I guess, when it comes down to it. Math is boring, and I have to sit all the way up at the front of the row; clearly a fail. Global is boring too, and one of the hottest rooms. And Core Music is an utterly unsignificant waste of my valuable time. We never touch an instrument, never learn a music note, just vaguely reference out-of-date composers like they just put out new albums.
I don't like waking up early. I just got up from a nap. Now I won't wake up tomorrow. *sigh* And...I'm in a very big Paramore mood. Which is fine. Really. I wanna see them again. They're pretty much just epic. In so many ways. And nearly as relatable as Taylor Swift. Nearly. Hayley Williams
Hmm....Why am I as clueless here as on my first blog? I guess it's a new year, new times, different outlook. I started this blog almost two years ago, can you believe? I think that's pretty incredible, really. I think a lot of thing have changed. Things are sort of hanging now, in between. I don't know if that should be significant to me. Writing is not coming easily :/ And now making songs come is sort of difficult too, like I hear them but they're transferred over into my head on an old rabbit-earred radio and by the time they get there they're just not the same. And words, forget it, do not just come. But I'm not really unhappy, so maybe it's just one of those creative blockages? I don't know.
I'm writing a lot of nothing so I'm going to not write anything instead, see if that works out more smoothly ^_^
School is not so bad. Chem is actually kinda cool. In the space of forty six minutes I saw at least four things explode and/or go on fire. Spinning/Toning is yet to be determined. We just sit there and talk...Spanish is all juniors, but they're cool too, even if they call me 'Sophomore'. The English teacher is a bitch. Period. And she says there's gunna be a lot of public speaking -__- I'm like....hah, honey, I don't think so. Then Lunch...is...subjective to a lot of things, I suppose it depends. It's passable, I guess, when it comes down to it. Math is boring, and I have to sit all the way up at the front of the row; clearly a fail. Global is boring too, and one of the hottest rooms. And Core Music is an utterly unsignificant waste of my valuable time. We never touch an instrument, never learn a music note, just vaguely reference out-of-date composers like they just put out new albums.
I don't like waking up early. I just got up from a nap. Now I won't wake up tomorrow. *sigh* And...I'm in a very big Paramore mood. Which is fine. Really. I wanna see them again. They're pretty much just epic. In so many ways. And nearly as relatable as Taylor Swift. Nearly. Hayley Williams
Hmm....Why am I as clueless here as on my first blog? I guess it's a new year, new times, different outlook. I started this blog almost two years ago, can you believe? I think that's pretty incredible, really. I think a lot of thing have changed. Things are sort of hanging now, in between. I don't know if that should be significant to me. Writing is not coming easily :/ And now making songs come is sort of difficult too, like I hear them but they're transferred over into my head on an old rabbit-earred radio and by the time they get there they're just not the same. And words, forget it, do not just come. But I'm not really unhappy, so maybe it's just one of those creative blockages? I don't know.
I'm writing a lot of nothing so I'm going to not write anything instead, see if that works out more smoothly ^_^
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Top 10 Things I Love To Do
Top 10 Favorite Things To Do: (In no particular order)
-Read (fantasy on most occasions. A given-because everyone needs some way to escape from the world they're living in, and what better way? )
-Write (songs, stories, ideas, poems...It's nice because I like to feel accomplished and sometimes, on those lovely rare occasions, I read something I've written over and feel like maybe it does have its own eccentric air of potential. And I also love the feeling of finishing a book and knowing you brought characters into the world to be living, breathing people. I've only gotten that feeling once but I'm aiming for it again, hopefully some time soon.)
-Sing (in classified locations such as the shower, hallway between the stairs and the walkway between the mall and the outside lobby)
-Visit the city, especially Central Park, Broadway and Times Square. (If I'm not living there by the time I'm four years out of college I'm going to consider my life at the point at which it will begin to fall downhill)
-Think in thunder storms (There's something amazing about those muggy summer days when it rains and thunders and you can just sit out on the patio and read and then when you can't concentrate you put it down and think and by the time you're done you're soaked through but you feel accomplished if not more confused than when you first went outside)
-Swim (It makes me feel like I'm exericising and thus losing weight and, also, I've always had something of a connection to swimming in general. I'm terrified of rollercoasters but love water-coasters of all sorts. I spend all of my time at the beach in the ocean catching waves and when I get older I want to learn to surf and to scuba dive just because it seems like so much fun)
-Going to amusement parks (Because, terrrified as I am of most kiddy rides, it really is nice to go somewhere with a lot of people and just fit in with a group for once. On this one ride, you're all scared, and at the end of the day you're all just tired and happy and maybe for a second everyone's the same...Plus, it's probably the best place to just feel like a little kid which is a talent that I feel I'm losing my knack for lately...)
-Nostalgia and entertaining my nostalgic notions (Because as much as I say I hate to... I don't? I mean, I've decided that currently...I'm happy enough where I am. I don't want to go back. But there were some things I'd like to grab from then and bring back to here and reading them makes me feel more confident...like I can.)
-Play the guitar (Because when I'm alone and I'm playing I can make it sound nice in my head and it makes me proud, which usually isn't a hard thing to do anyway but still, and it's just...nice. I don't hold it right because I like it on my lap and it's more fun than the piano because it has such a pretty hollow sound that it just...fits things back together)
-Lie (Because...well because of a lot of reasons. Sometimes it's uneccesary but just plain amusing. And other times it makes the things I do seem less...self-profitable. But usually it just gets me out of tight spots that I really don't want to be caught in)
And...that's all because I'm going in the pool now but I'll be back later because I'm in a listing mood and if I still am later, I'll post Top 10 Things I DONT like to do :)
-Read (fantasy on most occasions. A given-because everyone needs some way to escape from the world they're living in, and what better way? )
-Write (songs, stories, ideas, poems...It's nice because I like to feel accomplished and sometimes, on those lovely rare occasions, I read something I've written over and feel like maybe it does have its own eccentric air of potential. And I also love the feeling of finishing a book and knowing you brought characters into the world to be living, breathing people
-Sing (in classified locations such as the shower, hallway between the stairs and the walkway between the mall and the outside lobby)
-Visit the city, especially Central Park, Broadway and Times Square. (If I'm not living there by the time I'm four years out of college I'm going to consider my life at the point at which it will begin to fall downhill)
-Think in thunder storms (There's something amazing about those muggy summer days when it rains and thunders and you can just sit out on the patio and read and then when you can't concentrate you put it down and think and by the time you're done you're soaked through but you feel accomplished if not more confused than when you first went outside)
-Swim (It makes me feel like I'm exericising and thus losing weight and, also, I've always had something of a connection to swimming in general. I'm terrified of rollercoasters but love water-coasters of all sorts. I spend all of my time at the beach in the ocean catching waves and when I get older I want to learn to surf and to scuba dive just because it seems like so much fun)
-Going to amusement parks (Because, terrrified as I am of most kiddy rides, it really is nice to go somewhere with a lot of people and just fit in with a group for once. On this one ride, you're all scared, and at the end of the day you're all just tired and happy and maybe for a second everyone's the same...Plus, it's probably the best place to just feel like a little kid
-Nostalgia and entertaining my nostalgic notions (Because as much as I say I hate to... I don't? I mean, I've decided that currently...I'm happy enough where I am. I don't want to go back. But there were some things I'd like to grab from then and bring back to here and reading them makes me feel more confident...like I can.)
-Play the guitar (Because when I'm alone and I'm playing I can make it sound nice in my head and it makes me proud, which usually isn't a hard thing to do anyway but still, and it's just...nice. I don't hold it right because I like it on my lap and it's more fun than the piano because it has such a pretty hollow sound that it just...fits things back together)
-Lie (Because...well because of a lot of reasons. Sometimes it's uneccesary but just plain amusing. And other times it makes the things I do seem less...self-profitable. But usually it just gets me out of tight spots that I really don't want to be caught in)
And...that's all because I'm going in the pool now but I'll be back later because I'm in a listing mood and if I still am later, I'll post Top 10 Things I DONT like to do :)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
...Late Nights Killing Myself Over Unsolvable Problems...
Alright, so Fazp signed off early tonight, leaving me to do a lot of thinking. When she left, I was looking through saved emails. Normally, I would have looked them all over before but, having searched my AIM account numerous times before, I had been formally under the impression that all my old emails were gone. I found them in the 'sent' column today, very obviously and glaringly present. Perhaps it was fate that I went through this past year not knowing of their existence because I'm almost positive if I had been left to my own devices knowing of it, I would have wasted away in front of the screen, reading and re-reading words that no longer had any meaning to anyone but me. I did that tonight, but with some of the less savory areas of this last year behind me, I feel that I can wake up tomorrow morning and make it through the day, leaving the emails untouched. Or at least I should dearly like to think so. Still...I'm not stupid. I know I don't just read these old emails to make myself cry (not that there were not a number of tears shed in the past few hours). I like to think about things, and I like to berate myself. I'm a Queen of those "what ifs, and imagine if i hads and, if i had onlies" and in that retrospect, I've grown no better as of yet. I found a lot of emails concerning days I remembered almost passionately and others...I barely remember happening. A lot of those in particular freaked me out so that I'm wondering if I'm going senile...And the ones I did remember were...extremely embarassing. I was such a dramatic, depressive person. I was always trying to get attention from him and trying to see me as a beautiful tragic heroine of some sort when really I was the exact sort of insecure bitch I hate on sight today...Or maybe I haven't changed, just slightly in the way I speak and dress and talk...Maybe on the inside I'll never be able to change that. And maybe that's why people, or a person, in particular that I really care about don't talk to me anymore? I need that person though to sort out a lot of my problems (and there i go again, saying what i need for my life from other people) But we helped eachother. It was a good relationship and he helped me with the fragile shards of my romantic life and I teased him and considered him someone to learn by and such a close friend and...I try not to think about him but wonder if i had him AND fazp if last year wouldve been better than it was. Fazp helped...a lot. I wont lie. I never would have imagined it years ago but...she did. And I'm lucky to have her. But what I had with her and with him were different things and I always feel like I'm asking other people to piece my life back together but sometimes (or a lot of the time, really) I wish he'd just GET OVER IT ALREADY. I miss him so much and I feel so helpless to fix it because if there's one thing I have no control over it's money and paying off debts. And I know it's selfish and irresponsible but I wish he would IM me and tell me he loves me and he misses me and he's ready to talk to me about all my problems and all the pain of last year and all my insecurities and all the people i love but can't face up to (ranks that he would no longer be a part of) But he won't and knowing it makes me miss him more. Knowing him for such a short amount of time it's odd that I miss him more than her (another friend who I spent many more years with) and we were close but maybe she never really saw through me the way he did and...I can't believe he'd abandon me like this because I know I can be a liar and a cheater sometimes without even meaning to be, but I try to be good. We tried together and then he left me. I miss her too though, not for the conversations I want from him but in a more general way, the way you would miss a limb when it'd been taken from you. All these people that were so much a part of my life are gone and it's funny how much I'm attached to them and what they did to make my life more liveable. I have Fazp and my family and some other friends, though a lot of my other friends merely exist for stupid excurions and certainly not for talk but...I'm ranting in a blog that no one is ever going to read. But this always happens when I read into things..old things, things that happened years ago. It makes me feel like it happened yesterday and like there's still time to change it but there isn't and I wish there was...I really, really do...Maybe it's the weirdness, if anyone knows what I mean, because it's tearing me apart and turning me inside out because it's not really all that weird. It's me losing patience with myself being quiet about the things that are screaming to come out in my head and ripping me up inside so that I don't know if I can take it any longer. I miss a lot of people I shouldn't miss, people that mean a lot to me when I should be over them and they should mean nothing. I don't adapt well to change, not at all, and I'm scared about next year and what's going to happen to me and if any of the problems that eat away at me everyday are ever going to be solved. And this is all killing me and even as I write this there's things that I can't bring myself to write. Even if this blog was my own private diary I could never put these things down in writing but they boomerang around inside of my head and I can never get rid of them. It worries me and I worry about myself and I worry about keeping the friends I have and the family I have and the sanity I've recently acquired in light of summer vacation. I miss things I can never have back and not all of them are human or material and some of these wants I can only barely understand. I've been talking for almost a half hour and I feel sick and tired with myself and teary-eyed, like all of this is going nowhere. Everything is going everywhere and nowhere and I just want to go back to where I was and stand right there and I want the world and all the people in it to stand there with me. Change is bad. I hate it.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Wow...Well, I haven't posted in a very long time. My posts have been getting further and further apart...And I'm not sure whether or not that's a good thing because this blog used to be so much a part of my life...Getting out of Sea was a relief. Report card was good, uniform is gone, and so are all my religious convictions-out the window. And I don't think I've, thus far, spoken to anyone who approves of that, and the fact that that bothers me not at all has to be proof that my maturity is moving along nicely...or at least I'd like to think so and as there's no one reading this blog there certainly isn't going to be anyone challenging that theory. I'm fairly excited for this summer....it's hard to imagine that last year was real because it all just feels like a nightmare. I suppose I took it hard because I was never one to fit in with the crowd, but I was never literally hated by that many people in my life. It definitely did a number to my self esteem. But I think I still have a pretty nice margine of confidence for myself, and self-respect that I even made it out alive. Of course, there's people at war faced with death and destruction...but this is the environment I was raised in and for me, last year was one of the more prominent forms of hell. It was like...a loss of sanity, going through hours and hours a day so totally alone...It's taught me to be relatively frightened of my own mind and what goes on inside of it-it was the only thing I had for company. I learned to think of myself as a friend because at times that will be all I have.... I've found I berate myself a lot and I'm pretty self-destructive...but I have a lot of belief in my own capabilities. And the only thing that kept me sane was holding my head so high that if it was any higher I'd have tripped down the stairs, and writing. Thank Whatever Power There Might or Might Not Be for writing....Also, as a response to Fazp's Top 5 Fears, 1 being the most frightening possible:
Aimez: Top 5 Fears:
5) The possibility of an afterlife and what it might be
4) Being unable to have a baby/miscarrying (very obviously aiming for a girl)
3) Losing my freedom.
2) Making a fool out of myself in front of people I respect.
1) Losing control of anything usually understood to be within my power.
Aimez: Top 5 Fears:
5) The possibility of an afterlife and what it might be
4) Being unable to have a baby/miscarrying (very obviously aiming for a girl)
3) Losing my freedom.
2) Making a fool out of myself in front of people I respect.
1) Losing control of anything usually understood to be within my power.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
I'm feeling so impatient lately, like I'm always waiting for something to happen. But I don't in any way trigger anything happening, or even entertain the idea for that matter. So I sort of know something won't. So why am I constantly waiting?---Today is Friday so I'm not going to think about that. I had another one of those 'nightmares' last night. I don't know what they mean, or if they mean anything at all honestly, but they need to stop. I think I'd be a little upset if they did but for my own personal sanity's sake, I'd get over it. Then again, I don't ever seem to do much on behalf of my sanity. It must be an entity which marries very little to me unconsciously. Or maybe I might stil have one. Good nightmares only seem good when you're asleep.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Reading my own blog just made me cry...buckets. I kept thinking to myself today...was that me back then? Was that me? And now I see that it was me. It was happy me, but it was me. I want to rewind my life to a year and a half ago. Was it really JUST a year and a half? Just a year and a half. A year ago right now...Who was I? I can't comprehend this. I can't. Tomorrow, I'm going to my own personal hell. And when I come home, one of the people on my buddy list who I love the most will not IM me. Because we don't talk anymore. And I feel like if I could talk to him right now....everything would instantly right itself again. I need him so badly. No hes not a love interest. He never was. He never could be. But I need him. And there's someone else that will IM. But they won't mean a word they say. And they'll be shallow and nothing like the person I remember them as. How long ago was that? Two years ago. It feels like a decade. I wish this was all a horrible, horrible dream. My life is spiralling out of control. Even when I'm happy, there's that nagging misery waiting to rear its ugly head. I would give anything to go back to this time last year. Anything. But that will never happen. I'm defenseless. And I give up. Because I can't anymore. I can't do anything. I can fall and fall and fall a thousand times over and stand up again. But when it comes right down to it, I know I'm gunna fall again. I want my life back. Because this just can't be it. And I'm so sick and tired of wanting things...and wanting people. And they're not mine. They never will be. Maybe they were once but never again. I have to stop. I want to stop denying myself. But it's not things I want. It's people. Specific people, more than one. People that make me feel like me again. But they're not there to do that anymore. And only a few of them are left. And the one person I want the most is the one person with which the word want should never, never be associated.
It's been so long since I've blogged...
I feel like I'm standing in a quiet room, surrounded by family and friends and people I love, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even turns around. I've felt that way for a long time now. And it was always their fault. But what if I'm not screaming outloud? What if its my fault? I watch all these things pass me by. And I have so many opportunities to reach out and grab them...but I'm frozen. And I just stand and watch them go by, consumed by the wanting. Its always there. I'm always wanting. And it would be so simple to satisfy all of them. They're not impossible wants. They're not even complicated. They're simple and straightforward, and perfectly within reach. But, for some reason, I can't. I just can't. I want to reach out and grab it all for myself. I want consequences to become nonexistent, meaningless, obsolete. I want to just take for myself what I want and leave everyone else behind me to starve. And that doesn't make me a bad person. I know that. But if I actually do all of that...If I do that then I will be a bad person. And I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that. Or maybe I would but I just want to believe I wouldn't be able to. It's another matter of conscience. I want and I want and I want and in the wanting I forget all the people that are standing behind me. And they're wanting too. Maybe they're wanting what I'm wanting. It's not mine to take. But I want it. I thought love was powerful. I thought hate was powerful. But I'm convinced that there's absolutely nothing in the world that can rival wanting at it's peak. Not needing. There's no pain in needing. It's the wanting that kills you in the end.
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