Alright first off this "kid" had to leave our class for special circumstances and most of you reading this will know who he is. I'm surprised because i thought i hated the guy but i actually really miss him. I even cried and i know he didn't like me but he made me laugh and i feel horrible for being such a jerk to him. It's funny how you take the weirdest things for granted and pretend you dont care and once they're gone you realize how stupid you were. I just want to say that wherever he is i hope he's ok, i really do. Weirdest thing i ever said. Officially. But good luck out there because it's a big world. I mean the whole thing i related this to, the "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone"....so true. I've felt that lately on a much grander scale then a kid in my class moving away. It's an annoying feeling, like something gnawing at you and you try to brush it away but you just know that somewhere inside you a little voice is screaming i told you so and you realize how you should have grabbed the chance while it was still within reach. For this one situation, though, i'm kind of glad i didn't make the reach because i would be a lot different then i am now and...well my whole life would be changed and while i don't see how my life can get much worse i don't want to sit around feeling sorry for myself. Yes i'm at a bad age where i'm convinced life sucks and, yes, to a point it really does. But i feel bad comparing my life to starving children in Africa or homeless people, trying to survive on the cold streets of New York City in the heart of winter. Compared to them my life is a fairytale. But then how come after telling myself all that, i would still switch lives with them in a heart beat? Not only do i wish my life were less dramatic but more exciting. Yes, for your information, there is a huge difference. Drama is unneccesary and petty and excitement...well i don't have much of it. I'm the type of person that craves excitement. If some random man walked up to me right now and asked me to go bungee jump off the Eiffel Tower with him there would be no way in hell i'd even imagine saying no. Sadly there will be no random man, bungee jumping, or split decision visits to Paris for me. Or anything remotely near as exhilerating as that. Besides my extreme distaste for my life and need for something interesting to spark it i also feel more and more that everyone hates me. I think there's something wrong with me because some people i think hate me, i've never had a conversation with in my life and most of them are like my closest friends. I think it's just that i have bad experience making and/or keeping friends, period. I mean even if i was right, am i so horrible that every single kid in the whole school hates me? I really, really don't think so. That's a bit much even for my self esteem. I know a lot of them put up with me just because they have to but that alone is something. At least no ones throwing books at me and taking cover under desks. I don't think they are anyway. I wish i was one of those girls that everyone liked. I don't want to be the type that has platinum blond spirals of hair, glistening blue eyes and teeth that could easily be m istaken for pearls. I just want to fit in sometimes. Not stop being who i am and stop standing out but...to be accepted for standing out. If that makes any sense at all. Like Vrai can do that and i can name a few other select few who seem to have that talent. It just doesn't work. I have to either wear Hollister every day and smile until i want to cut my mouth out with a razor (which i tried in elementary school and it did not cut it for me, the fitting in thing not the razor thing thats a bit much even for me) or be myself and play my music in my head and bother people into insanity and be cut off from civilization. I know out of the two i'd choose the second hands down not that i have experience but i wish the world wasn't so judgemental. It seems like most people today judge everyone on what they wear, how they act and whether their stupid pocketbook is a REAL gucci bag or if it's *gasp* not! Now that would be the sin of all sins! And if you don't carry a designer pocketbook to school with you SHAME on you! You rot in the dungeons and face social humility for all eternity because you were the one person who wanted to be different and who didn't need to be seen with an ugly brown bag with a bunch of G's on it. If you call that art i give up on this planet all together. Maybe i'll move to Saturn...